WOW! Ten months already...

it is really a bittersweet moment
to realize that you get to 
experience your first Christmas 
away from me
you are experiencing all of your firsts 
away from me
but the reality of Christmas and all of {baby's firsts}
remind me of what I am missing
I am missing you
and yes I have class and internship
and kids and life and a job
all to keep me occupied
but something is still missing...
this Christmas is especially hard for me

I made a bargain when I found out that I was pregnant
if you were a boy, that was my sign that I was suppose to place you for adoption
if you were a girl, that was my sign that I was suppose to keep you...
initially all the ultra-sounds indicated you were a boy,
that was my sign
until mid-October, I was completely surprised
you were actually a girl...
I was so busy with working 30+ hours each week, taking 18 credits at school,
and staying sane while raising seven kids
I was going to wait until Christmas break, when I would have some time to think
then I felt like I could process the situation and make the best decision for everyone involved
in reality, there is no good time to make a decision to place your child for adoption
it takes a lot of time and a lot of energy
I do not regret the decision I made
but making the right decision for myself and all of my children
has not been easy
something is missing...

Nine months...

i am constantly remembering exactly how i felt one year ago
i was making some of the toughest decisions in my life
i look back and see the puzzle pieces fit together nicely
this time of year, with holidays, and the memories from one year ago
are difficult
i somehow thought i would be "all better"
when in reality
{what is all better}
and i cannot put a time limit on grief
grief is the underlying emotion i am getting to experience
while existing along side the joy
nine months...how can it already be nine months?
nine months...how can nine months have passed by so quickly?

Happy Birthday!

Today my oldest daughter celebrates"Sweet 16" 
Mackenzie is so grown up
she is an amazing friend and such a good example to everyone around her
she does her best and has a huge heart
I am so proud of her
Today is a day I am experiencing with mixed emotions
I see how my adorable little girl has grown into a remarkable young woman
and it brings me great pride
It also presses against my mothers heart to realize how quickly time is passing
and how much less she needs me and I am needed in her life
All too soon she will be wanting to start a family of her own, but I am at peace
knowing she is a wonderful person and has a bright future ahead of her
As hard as life has been and as difficult of experiences as we have had to endure
she is so strong and is grounded in her faith which guides all of her decisions
and for that I am comforted...Sweet 16, how can it possibly be?

Happy Birthday!

Today my oldest son is 12
It seems so hard to believe...
Time keeps moving faster the older my kids get
Caleb is an amazing young man
He is kind, considerate, friendly, and thoughtful
He is hard working, very talented, an amazing singer
and when he gives life his best, he proves excellence...
I am proud of this young man and all that he accomplishes...
I look forward to many birthdays ahead and celebrating life!

Eight months...

have passed
an in-between stage for me
I am beginning to feel "okay" but the more
"okay" I feel,
the more it seems like I am trying to forget
like I am trying to say "I am okay" with this...
for so many reasons
I will never be completely okay
being okay feels like I am moving on,
or I have somehow forgotten
or I don't care anymore
I cannot completely wrap my brain around the feelings of my heart...
they are disconnected at best
I am so happy for the wonderful adoptive family that raises my daughter
but every time I see her,
I miss her so much and
I see how much I am missing
I see her cling to "her mom" and the bond they share,
I realize there are so many areas of her life I don't even know,
I don't get to put her to bed at night,
I don't experience the sweet coo's and late night feedings,
I don't know what her favorite toys are
or what keeps her entertained during the day,
I miss out on all of her firsts,
pieces of my heart crumble...
that could be me...that should be me...
I don't know if I will ever feel completely okay and
I am okay with that

being strong

in every area of my life

has proven great weakness

my strength has wore me down

and left me depleted

because...

i care so deeply....
i am able to let you go
...i wanted so much more
...i wanted so much better
something about moving past the 6 month mark
is really hard...
the reality that more than 1/2 of the first year of your life has passed
there are so many {moments} i cannot get out of my mind
minute details that present ever so clearly
moments that feel so real, they seem to be happening right now
i try not to dwell on these moments too often
because they will consume me
my life has provided me so much opportunity
to claim my truth
as hard
as difficult
as emotionally challenging
as it is
i am forever grateful that i was
given the opportunity to give life
to a precious child
that has taught me so much
about life and myself

Happy Birthday!

Today my dad celebrated the BIG six-ohh

{60}

my dad is an amazing man of strength and courage

he is a positive role model in my life

I am so blessed to call him my father

and I savor the moments 

my children get to learn from him

this past year has presented my dad with some

unforeseen health challenges

and loss

I am beyond relieved 

that we are on the brighter side

but it sure has made my whole family

realize how quickly life can pass us by

it is so important to remember to let the people we love the most,

know how much they mean to us..

Happy Birthday DAD...you mean the world to me! 

6 months

it seems impossible 

that six months of life have passed

since you were mine

a piece of my heart exists 

outside of my body

i experience loss in ways i have never felt before

i feel grief so intense on my chest

that it sometimes takes my breath away

i spend a lot of time not thinking about anything

because i don't want to think about

losing you

i make ill planned decisions and rash judgements

because i don't want to think

about any one thing for very long

i have encountered 

so many situations 

i push those dearest to me away

trying to feel less of an emptiness in losing you

as a new mom

i should be showing off my newborn

i should be experiencing each of your firsts

i should be soothing you when you cry

and feel the joy in your laughter

i have not figured out how to define my life

living with the loss of you

i want to tell everyone who asks about my children

about all eight of them and brag

all about this new baby i have

how adorable she is

how she is 6 months old now

how she is starting to giggle

and babble sounds 

how she is sitting up

and starting to eat baby food

about how chubby she is getting 

and how deep brown her eyes are

and how dark black her hair is

and how beautiful her skin tone is

AND...

that she doesn't live with me...

and my heart sinks

this isn't the way it should ever have to be

as much as i want to tell the world all about you

i can't

it is too painful,

it is too difficult

and then i feel guilty that i have a beautiful daughter

that i am not able to share with the world

a part of me that i don't claim

it is such a difficult balance of 

joy and pain

sacrifice and reward

happiness and sorrow

fear and understanding

unconditional love

love i will always have for you

redefined through my life

and experiences

that shape me as 

your birth mother

Happy Birthday!

today my oldest brother celebrates his birthday
he is an amazing father and a wonderful person
I wish him many more happy years to come

disappointment

caused by predicaments in life
continue to provide me with
the opportunities to appreciate
where I am in my life

sometimes it is rather difficult
to not get caught up in
the way I think situations/circumstances
should go and just allow
them to work out
the way the were intended to...

back to school

this time of year

i always have a surge of mixed emotions

it is so hard to grapple with the reality that my kids are growing up

i love being their mom

and sharing their lives with them

i do not look forward to them growing up and becoming adults themselves

whenever they head back to school

i take the opportunity to reflect over the past year

i get to reminisce about the good times

learn from the not so good times and set goals

to make this next year even better

with each passing year 

i cannot believe how fast time flies

on monday, i took my oldest to school she is a sophomore

yesterday, i started back to class

with a whopping 24 credit class load 

and 500 hours internship (crazy!)

today, i brought the next five to their first day of school

an eighth grader

a sixth grader

a fourth grader

a second grader

a kindergartner

and in a little over a week

my youngest will start preschool

trying to juggle 4 class schedules

balancing homework, responsibilities, practices,

carpools, routines, and bonding time...

this is what keeps me going,

not having enough time to do anything

but reminisce and 

make the best of it

earth shattering reality

I am a mother to a child who does not know who I am...

I love this child as much as life itself,

yet I am not the person she looks to

I am not the mother who feeds her

I am not the one who comforts her

It is an absolutely devastating reality
My heart breaks into a million pieces
when my baby looks at me and cries...
she doesn't want me to comfort her
she cries for another mother to comfort her
This child doesn't need or desire me in her life
the way I so desperately need and desire her.
 I don't blame her for this, 
it is all she knows, she is just a child
I am confident that someday,
this will change
but for right now,
this sucks,
it is so unbearably hard,
and it hurts more than I could have possibly imagined...

Happy Birthday!

Today Quinton is {6} 
Where has the time gone?
My little buddy is growing up so fast...
He will be starting Kinder this fall.
Quinton is the sweetest,
kindest little boy I know
he has a big heart,
he is so smart and loves to learn.
He enjoys building Legos and likes to investigate...
I am proud to be your mommy...
I wish you happiness today and every day of your life!

a piece of my heart is missing

it exists outside of my life
lives in a home away from mine
is cared for by a mother that is not me

a piece of my heart is missing

and nothing fills the void

this ache
this longing
this desire for more
leaves me feeling unsettled

there is no fix
or magic solution
that will disolve this all away

for now
I am learning how to live
with the pieces left
from a broken heart

....will you please

believe in me

until...

I can believe in myself?

Happy Birthday!

Today my mom celebrates her birthday.
I love the bond we share
Over the years we have developed a closeness 
not only as mother and daughter
but as friends.
I look forward to many more birthdays 
celebrating her life!

patiently waiting

for You to come through

on Your timing

I get so tired of waiting, wanting, wishing

You know all my thoughts, my desires, my pain

when I allow my life to follow the path

You have planned for me

the steps seem so much smoother

not saying that it is not still difficult

but I know I can make it, I will overcome it

because I have You by my side

seems like forever

since I called you mine
you are a perfect creation intertwined in my life
I have an emptiness inside
that cannot be filled
my heart has a piece missing
my grief is so intense
my pain is raw
but on the outside
 you cannot see the pain I carry within
acting like "I'm fine"
has become a part of my everyday coping skills
yet on the inside I am falling apart
How do you adjust?
How do you let go and just be?

ache

buried within 
nothing eases the pain 
nowhere to turn 
so intense it takes my breathe away 
my new normal

Life has an interesting way

of unfolding
the circle of life and death
with an end comes a beginning
and through each beginning there is bound to be an end...

Happy Birthday!

Today, Shaye is 9
it is hard to believe how fast time seems to have gone
I can hardly believe it has been nine years ago since your birth
and I take pride in watching you grow
I see you identify yourself through your personality
I love watching you help others...
it makes my heart skip a beat
your genuine personality is contagious
your smile melts my heart...
I am so lucky to call myself your mom
and I get to call you my daughter

I wish you many more years of happiness 
and a day full of wonder

2 months

how can it possibly be 2 months ago that I welcomed
another perfect creation into my life
and at the same time I think it seems like forever ago
that I met and began to say goodbye...
life changes so swiftly and through circumstances placed in my path
I am given great opportunities to grow and heal
God has opened and closed doors
and revealed to me His greatness
through buried pain, resentments, hurts and healing
As I say goodbye and close parts of my life I never wanted to confront
I sense a peace surrounding life and the next chapters
Many times I have wondered and questioned how things would work out
...looking back, I know I couldnt have planned it better
it has never made it easy...
but it has always made it right

today....the legalization of adoption in court

legally terminated my parental rights
but regardless what a piece of paper
a court document
or judge say
no one or any thing can ever legally terminate
the love I feel for this child
the dreams I hold for her future
my desire for her to have a gratifying life
my need to spend time with her
my ability to be a good role model and positive example
sharing with her the gift of all her siblings
the care and compassion that I will always hold
the special bond we will always share

one month ago

I met for the first time

  a beautiful child

that shared my DNA

...I touched her soft delicate skin

...I held her tender fingers

...I stroked her silky hair

...I kissed every inch of her body

...I imagined a lifetime of wonder and awe

...I gazed into her eyes

...I savored her newborn scent 

...I embraced a special bond as her birth mother

...I fell in love

Happy Birthday #13

Today I celebrate my second daughter becoming a teenager...

I now hav 2 teenagers in the house and cannot grasp 

"where has the time gone? "

life moves along all too swiftly

and I so desperately want to savor all

the moments good and bad

that I get to share with each of my children...

I wish my beautiful, intelligent, kind, compassionate, 
strong, capable, creative, shining, talented daughter 
an excellent day and a bright year ahead!

Newborn babies,

oh the grandest of things,

{if LOVE were enough}

except for all of

the responsibility and

reality a newborn

baby brings…

Little sister growing within,

To the news of your arrival we did grin.

We have helped mommy as best we can,

When we are able a hand we do lend.

Ecstatic to learn of a sister joining our family,

Unsure of the plans for adoption to be.

Journal Entry...Sept 2012

Difficult circumstances placed in my life to figure out,

God is testing my faith and trust in Him without a doubt.

How could I possibly be angry or disappointed by a child growing within,

Giving me another chance to overcome the darkness in this world covered by sin.

I do not see your life as a punishment at all,

But a beautiful opportunity to rely on the faith I call.

For nine months I will take advantage of our warm embrace,

Your life has blessed me with a stronger faith and immeasurable grace.

I am praying for the strength it will take that day,

To watch another mommy with my baby walk away.

I know this decision I have made in the best interest of all,

But that doesn't eliminate the torture and pain…I want it to stall.

I think about that day and as it flashes through my mind,

I sort out bits and pieces and leave the negative behind.

I know this will be the toughest day I have ever had to endure,

But will be the most selfless act and greatest gift of love, for sure.

Please always remember I never made this choice because I didn't want you,

I believed a better life with 2 parents awaited and a loving biological family, too.

If love was enough to raise a baby, I have plenty to give,

But God has bigger plans of love offered by 2 families, in which you can live.

No matter who raises you or where you call home,

I will always be your birth mother and within me for 9 months you have grown.

Nothing will ever replace the special bond we will always share,

I love you more than you could ever know; only your best is my priority and care.

I tried with all my might

to fit a lifetime of love

into three short days

and it is absolutely impossible

to squeeze all of your love

for your child, part of you

 into a fraction of their lifetime...

one week ago today

I said goodbye to a part of myself
my heart shattered and crumbled into pieces
I dug into the depths of my soul to find the strength to do what was right
I experienced an indescribable peace
and know that God chose this path for me
but that doesn't diminish the pain and suffering
of a loss known only within a mother's grief
I cannot explain how right and perfect this situation has unfolded
but I had no way to prepare and had no idea of what to expect
It has changed me
I am walking very closely to my lifeline...my faith
I am embracing more closely each one of the blessings I have in my life
I am a little slower to snap in response
I hesitate before speaking
I laugh a little more
I smile a little longer
I cry a lot harder
I feel pain I have never experienced before
I love a little bolder
I appreciate the littlest things
I let go of the insignificant 
I focus on the good
I stay positive 
I rely on my inner strength
and
I know one day at a time I will get through
some how, some way, I will find the strength...

making the right choice...

{doesn't make it any easier}

Introducing...

Katelyn Louise

born on  Tuesday, February 26, 2013

@ 6:03 a.m.

weighing 7 lbs 15 ozs

measuring 18 1/2 inches long

this child

belongs

to neither

you or I...

but 

our Heavenly Father

I have had my share of

opinions
advice
well meaning wishes
questions
heartfelt comments
looks
whispers
no one minding their own business

my greatest grief

equals your greatest joy...

THIS HAS BEEN THE HARDEST DECISION I HAVE EVER HAD TO MAKE IN MY LIFE

no one ever has said that the right decision would be easy
and I do know without a doubt that I can do extremely difficult
when it is right
and as much as I wish it away or plead that it not be true
this is right
this is extremely hard
gut wrenching difficult
but...right

I try to

prepare

understand

process

anticipate

explain

but as hard as I try

I cannot 

I have never lived an experience like this before

and it is impossible to try to do anything...

other than just be in the moment

count down

today is the last wednesday that I carry you within
only six more days
I feel like I am existing outside of my body
and at any moment I will wake up and face reality
my body is so ready to be back to normal
but with that comes losing...losing more than the pregnancy weight
I will be losing part of myself
I am savoring these moments as difficult and uncomfortable as they are
I want to breathe in each and every moment
as insignificant as they are
they are the last moments I spend connected to you in this way
because all too soon
it will be over

bigger than I

is He up above

who can take a negative circumstance

and turn it into a gift of love

my body is ready

but my mind is not
my heart aches as it tries to encompass the loss it is about to experience
how do you get ready
how can you prepare for that

Today...

I celebrate my 34th birthday...
It is just another day, not much different from any other
I thought about it...and wondered
when do birthdays become just another day?
at what point in one's life is a birthday just another ordinary day

Even though it was a day like any other 
I was once again reminded that I have an amazing family
that supports and encourages me 
and a great group of friends

Happy Birthday!

today is my youngest daughters 7th  birthday
I feel so privileged to get the opportunity to watch her grow
it is amazing to see the similarities and differences between each of my kids

Ella is a sweet, kind, gentle, motherly, girly-girl
she is all about fashion, LOVES babies, is a good helper and works extra hard at 1st grade this year
she says the silliest things and makes everyone smile

I wish you a very happy birthday and many more to come

Facing life

through those
who have shaped
the person we have become
and finding a new normal
to make it possible to be
around them
placing guards up
and learning how to protect oneself
is not an easy task

so much to say

...so

few

words

 to

accurately

express

it...

I had

all of these big plans to get caught up on life over Christmas break
blog, clean, blog, bake, travel, think...
I don't know why I do that
because it never works out
I have spent the last three weeks
{sick}
ever since I took finals
I have barely had enough energy just to keep my kids fed
and put some effort into the Christmas holiday
then I was feeling a little better and we traveled to SD for Christmas
and I spent the majority of the time there, sick in bed
my kids have all had "it" as well

I cannot wait to feel good again
I realized that I definately take it for granted when I feel good
becuase you just don't realize how good you feel
until you feel bad for an extended period of time