...so about that break...

i have not been off work before 5:30 p.m. all week

i go to work at 6:30 a.m.

i am getting sick thanks to my kids generosity

ran out of gas on the way to S.D.

the cat {YES the CAT} locked my keys in the car

have not accomplished anything

kids came home today

my break was not what i was expecting

but i am glad my kids are home...

I am {childless}

my 7 children
stayed with Papa and Grama
6 hours away
I have 5 days without them
I do miss them
but I am enjoying the break...

Merry

Christmas!

I am headed six hours out of town

feelin' a little crabby and ready to frown,

we have packed the 7 suitcases and have them in tow

I look at my seven precious cargo,

in awe and amazement I feel so overwhelmingly blessed

to be sharing another holiday with those I love best,

it's not about the monetary value that I can give

it is the little things in life examples I can live,

we have packed the snacks and some drinks too

a snacky Christmas feast will have to do,

we will recall the story of that first Christmas morn

when the new Christ child came to earth to adorn,

the hesitation and feelings Mary and Joseph must have felt

unprepared and incapable...in prayer they surely knelt,

I am reminded of this pure example each year at Christmas time

and reflect on it often when the kids are outta line,

so often I feel incapable and unprepared

but  I was given this life to be shared,

with the family and friends that I hold so dear

and the 7 precious cargo that I get to spend another year!

MIA

I have been Missing In Action
in more ways than one...
my internet shut done, luckily the day AFTER finals
my body, more the less, decided to crash after finals as well
I thought I would have all this time and energy after my classes were done
and instead my body thought different and let me know
two kids sick again
a cold this time
one has pink eye, it's going around daycare
another has a rash that is continuing to spread
headed to the doctor today
still don't have my Christmas shopping done
I have to work overnight tomorrow night into the 24th
singing for church on Christmas eve
still have to wrap all of the presents I already have and the ones I have to get
have to pack for eight
we will be driving to South Dakota on the 25th
...I have been sick as well and sometimes wish I were really MIA...
{just for awhile}

Last day of classes...

I

am 

so excited

to

have

30

days

off

of

class...

I need a reprieve!

As important as my {REAL} job is to me

I keep reminding myself 

that these 7 children are 

my most important job

and I have to make sure 

they are the priority 

amidst all the other jobs

I am expected to do!

Less than two weeks away

and I haven't even started shopping yet!  Eeeeek....

Reminds me how crazy busy my life is right now.
I am not going to let this get to me.
I am going to remain positive and try to have a Christmas attitude.
{which has been rather challenging this year}

you say...

I am amazing 

{i feel worthless}

you say... 

I am strong

 {i feel like i have failed}

you say... 

I am talented

 {i feel exhausted}

you say... 

I am a saint

 {i feel imperfect}

you say... 

I am mesmerizing

 {i feel undeserving}

you say... 

I am beautiful

{i feel plain}

you say... 

I am a hero

{i feel like the enemy} 

in your absence

i step in

in their absence
no one can step in
they cannot be replaced
there is a void
an emptiness
a miserable existence

the last few weeks

have been crazy
3 birthdays
still need to plan 2 parties
i am not enjoying the cold {although it is December}
i have finals right around the corner
4th quarter at work...retail
sick kids
Christmas programs
basketball practices and games
homework
Christmas shopping
lack of sleep
migraines
holiday traffic
planning time with family
kids adjusting to holidays
travel
choir practice
appointments
legal issues
my life

it never fails

at the most difficult

inopportune

stressful

no extra time
a lot going on

busy

day

i have a sick kid...

Anticipation

of what is to come
what could happen
how it will affect me

Holidays

used to be so much fun
I never dreaded a single one
now they are filled with painful memory
of how it wasn't suppose to be
being strong and persistent for them
while being overwhelmed with the how's and when
holidays are completely what you make them to be
but I have always wanted them to be a happy time shared with family
I will have to redefine what {family} is to me
because this isn't the way I ever imagined it would be

I am amazed

how very alone I feel

surrounded by all these people 

that genuinely care and love for real

at the end of the day 

I am left to deal with life

on my own terms

not being cherished as the wife

the dreams I had of our family

no companion to share my every need

each savored moment I take in alone

putting on a smile and trying to succeed

takes every ounce of energy

consuming all my time and demanding even more

sometimes I question and I wonder

is this worth it and what am I fighting for

I long for

simple touch

a warm embrace

true compassion

dignity and respect

Happy Birthday!

to my baby...
He is #3 today!
He is growing up soo fast,
I don't know where the time goes...

He is loud, vivacious, strong-willed, tough,
obnoxious, tolerant, resilient, adorable, 
sweet and turning into a big boy!

He is definitely living up to the definition of his name:
Keegan - little fiery one,
{and that he is}

He is so much fun to have around,
and makes everyone laugh several times a day.
I am thankful to be his mommy,
and love watching him change and grow!

Happy Birthday buddy!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am {thankful} for...

a loving, forgiving God

7 beautiful children

my health

a place to call home

a car to drive

clothes to wear

a job

an education

life's lessons

loving parents

little kisses

big bear hugs

cuddles

touch

compassion

positive influences

my brothers and sister

supportive friends

my faith

a bed to sleep in at night

laughter

peace

the beauty of nature

the seasons of change...

i have invested

so much of me into all of you

that there seems to be too little of me left

life is a beautiful

story unfolding before my eyes

and I get to savor

every moment

that I am capable of investing 

myself into

I breathe in so much elegance

and exhale so much pain

and still yet I look around and smile

I am so fulfilled and blessed

Why do I

continue to become so invested in others that I forget about myself?
Why am I
making poor choices that could lead to regret?
Why do I 
focus so much energy on others that I am exhausted when I need to focus my energy on what is truly important?
Why am I
feeling so confused, alone, and scared?
Why do I
feel so beaten down and tired?

once again

I am mesmerized 
by 
Your infinite wisdom
Your faithful guidance
Your unending providence
Your unlimited forgiveness
Your never ceasing compassion
Your gentle touch
Your subtle grace

Love is a choice

and I chose to continue to love

until

love was no longer enough

Same schedule

different day

up early

daycare
work
home
spend time with kids

homework 

to bed
the only difference is
each moment I am living today
I can never get back tomorrow
I am trying to make the best of each moment I am given

Craziness

loud

busy

obnoxious

squabbles

bad words

fighting

bickering

demands

needs

quality time

homework

chores

my life...

wouldn't have it any other way!

Happy Birthday!

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday!
I won't say how old she is
because she is younger than me and that means I am getting old.
I wish her a year of happiness, prosperity and health!
She deserves so much good in her life.
I hope she takes the time to reflect on herself...

I say spoil and pamper yourself today!
You deserve it!

...if you can, would you please,

give an extra hug and kiss from me?
it's not a lot to ask
just a little peck and a squeeze
i am not always there now
to pick them up when they fall down
or wipe away each tear,
i wonder how many others
miss someone whom they don't see
and what kind of impression 
each person could be sending
by going out of their way
to give away a little love and affection?

choices

part of every day life
try to teach children to make good ones
some choices end with regret
others express gratefulness
many choices encountered each day
i some times wonder if i am making the right one
other times i feel positive i am
to realize i failed
choices are a part of my every day life
and they impact me immensely

Happy Birthday!

Today is my oldest daughter's birthday!
She is #14
she is growing up to be a beautiful young lady...
she has so many gifts and talents...
she has blest my life more than I could have possibly imagined
and she humbles me daily...
she has accepted extra responsibility and rarely complains about it...

I am grateful she was placed in my life
and I enjoy watching her mature and grow.
                         

Happy

Halloween!

 

 {that is one BAD school picture}

 

check out the witch's mole hair

 

 "Can I help you find something?"

 

It's Pippy-Long-Stocking

 none other than a fairy

 

 oohh scary - a mummy

 and last but not least, BATMAN

Memories

seem to slip through the cracks

positive 

negative

happy 

sad 

neutral 

inbetween

the only memories left to exist
are the ones i choose to hold on to

Happy Birthday!

Today Caleb is celebrating 

DOUBLE DIGITS!

{#10}

He is growing into a young man 

He is very helpful, kind and loving

I can't believe how he is growing up before my eyes

I miss the little boy he used to be

but I look forward to watching him change and grow 

into an intelligent, considerate, and compassionate young man!

Life

i don't know where to turn
where to go
or how to get there
i am just barely hanging on
by the very tip of the thread
i feel overwhelmed
frustrated
exhausted
with no end in sight
i am trying really hard to see the positive
but it is very difficult
amidst all the negative
i do see it
i know it's there
i just wish it could all get a little easier
or i could get a minimal break...

it isn't getting any easier

but it is easier to keep doing what I have to be doing
because
i have 7 of the most precious motivators you could ever ask for

situations really suck
i have so many mixed feelings
circling around inside of me

but it is so true
it is only as bad as you make it

I am slowly getting

the answers
to every question
I have asked
not always the way I want
but I trust 
these are the right answers
and if not 

I will 

keep asking 
the same question again
until 
I get a different answer

I have been thinking about

how many lemons life has been giving me...


but, I am still making some pretty damn good lemonade...

I keep trudging

through this knee high pile of #@%$

i sometimes question what i have done wrong

it just doesn't seem like

i deserve to be trudging through such high piles

and they never end

they just seem to get deeper

i gotta believe there is a purpose

i know there is a better way

i have faith that i will get through

and i will be stronger because of it

{it's just the trudging through that is so difficult}

i feel like

i have cheated myself
my chest aches
my stomach flips
i feel queasy
i feel empty
how many missed opportunities
how many innocent faces
how many moments
slipped by
and i let pass
without realizing how much i would miss
i have spent so much time and energy
trying to make it all right 
trying to be all right
and i let each and every cherished second slip by
i must let go of those regrets
i do have the opportunity to cherish each and every moment today
that is all i have
i am not guaranteed tomorrow
so i ask myself 
how many precious seconds am i letting slip by
in this very moment
and how do i savor each of them so they will last

where I thought I would be

and 

where

I

am...

{a reality of parallel oxymoron's}

I have always given myself away selflessly

others do not have to earn me

I hand myself over freely

I will do anything for another

I have immeasurable compassion

I put myself out to benefit others

I place myself at the bottom of the list

...slowly I am realizing I cannot give myself away anymore

I need to allow others to {earn} bits of me

I am the one who falls hard

by giving myself so freely

it is okay to help others out

but it doesn't have to be at my expense

it is a unique gift to have genuine compassion

but I don't have to put others needs or desires ahead of my own

I need to treat myself with the same selfless immeasurable compassion

that I am so willing to give freely to others

life

shouldn't be this darn hard

it sure shouldn't be so stressful

i shouldn't have to be consumed by guilt

i hate having to do it all

i despise the lack of time i get to spend with my kids

i dread getting up for work every day

i am sick of staying up late and studying

i feel like i am missing out on so much

...but have little to give

I asked You for a sign

to give me some guidance and direction,

i don't know why i keep struggling
to learn these life lessons


You came through again for me
as You always seem to do,

i don't know why i doubt
or forget about trustin' You

Priorities

are not always at the top of the list...

...the things I need to do
and the things I want to do...

...the things I have to do
and the things I get to do...

...the things I should do
and the things I shouldn't do...

all pose conflicts of interest
forcing me to focus on my priorities

I keep reminding myself

that 

it

is

okay

to

focus

on 

what

is

in

my

best 

interest...

i have spent so much of my life focused 

on other peoples best interest

that this feels very foreign and selfish to me

i want to let

all my interior feelings
gone unexpressed
expose themselves 

my greatest loss

and biggest disappointments

life has taken me on an unexpected journey
many twists and turns
i feel like i have been hanging out in the valley for a long time
i am hoping for a peak, real soon

i feel as though

i can hardly breathe
i am suffocating beneath
the reality of life

Happy Birthday!

...yesterday my dad celebrated his birthday
out of all the birthday posts from last year
i remember posting his like it was yesterday
it seems weird but i can almost remember word for word...

my dad is a man of very few words
i admire a lot about him
he is a man of strong faith
he lives his faith
he is a good example

i am lucky to have him in my life!
i wish another year 
of health, happiness 
and abundance
for him!

1 year mark of loss

hard to believe 
emotions surface
without conscious thought

my chest aches 
my heart is burdened
i can't decide if i should
scream, cry, or curse

life won't release these feelings
i feel buried beneath them
eventually
pain subsides
aches lift
learn to tolerate loss
it has become part of my life

STRESS

Situations
Too difficult and
Ridiculous for me to
Encounter by my
Self without
Support from others

Every single

aspect

of

my life

right now

is consuming

and draining

my energy

{I ask myself?}

where 

can I go

or

what

can I do

to get

recharged

I am exhausted...

dealing with pain
takes an enormous toll

can't help but get beat down
wishing it would stop consuming energy

hoping for a release from pain
don't think I expect too much

Happy Anniversary

to my younger brother and his wife...
today they celebrate 10 years of marriage

I want to wish them many more years to come

marriage is a huge commitment 
and it happens
only one year at a time

i remind my children

...{BECAUSE}

I 

Love

you 

equally

I

treat

you

individually!

i too,

remember exactly
where i was
what i was doing
how i felt
on this
day
10 years ago

circumstances
that changed life 
in an instant
this day should not be forgotten
but we also need to move on from the
fear of the past

life

is

crazy busy

hectic

amazing

exciting

stressful

passing by

all 

too

quickly

i have been searching

for my back door
an easy out
i will sneak out quickly
no one will see me leave

*<{FunNy FAceS}>*

 YOU

 make

 {me}

 laugh

I am having a hard time understanding

certain situations in my life right now
I try to make choices to the best of my ability
it is a learning process for me to learn how to put my needs first
and not focus only on what I think others need and deserve

I get to

choose my mood
accept responsibility
make choices that benefit me
know my worth
love myself
give willingly
take graciously
feel loved
be cherished

I guess I can start the countdown...

2 kids have been sick...

I am currently sick, {hopefully well soon}

a 3rd child sick yesterday

...that leaves only 4 to go!

as soon as I begin

to look into the future
and try to figure it out

I become overwhelmed
I can't figure it out on my own
I don't have the answers
and it does scare me a little bit

I try to trust
I depend on my faith
I don't know how
but I know it will work out

life has offered

me many opportunities
that i get to make a decision to
i feel somewhat in control of the outcome
but completely out of control 
i have made big decisions
some hopefully right 
others possibly wrong
i am completely imperfect
i am barely hanging on
trying to stride through the motions
and take one step at a time
that is all i am capable of right now

1st day of school and Happy Birthday!

Today my kids are back to school
only a half day
this year like every other
poses new sets of challenges and joys

I feel frustrated by my situation right now
I beat myself up too much
I feel extremely guilty
I won't be home when my kids get home from school
I have a new Kindergartner 
I don't get to wait for her by the door and ask her how her day was

I will still ask her when I get home
but it's not the same
it isn't going to be the same
this is my life now and I have to make the best of it...

today is also my older brothers birthday!
I want to wish him a year of happiness 
and all the best life has to offer him.


He deserves it!
Happy Birthday!

today

my classes start again
exciting and overwhelming

I keep telling myself
this is not forever

and I know it is all going to be worth it
but it is really difficult right now

I question myself
How can I be a good mom to 7,
work full-time,
take classes,
participate in kids activities,
keep a house running,
and be successful at it all?


Is it possible?

i am trying to understand

the 

correlation

between

choices

and 

consequences

i am saying it again

I cannot believe it is that time of year!
I was looking back through my blog
and I can vividly remember the day last year that I posted Back to School

life is just passing me by
and I realize if  I don't slow down to enjoy it
it is going to be gone

I have 5 in school this year...
8th. 6th, 4th, 2nd, and Kinder

I am preparing myself for the activities, homework, sports, friends, drama, and pleasure
I have not ever worked full time and taken classes myself
so this year will be an adjustment

more sacrifices, extra help, plenty of rest, and open communication
...it will be an awesome year!

progress

is there such a thing as progress when you are dealing with seizures?

Ella is getting an EEG today
it will be compared to her last one

facing a new set of challenges
mild to some
monumental to me

sending my 5 year old to K with seizures

the unknown

waiting
trusting
believing
hoping
confiding

It was a splash bash

to celebrate Quinton's 4th birthday

digging for fish {at the beach}

 caught one

 swimming with friends

 and fish

underwater creatures all over the cake

 shark fin punch

 looked pretty cool

 pizza was good

 excited about the cash

 fun

opening presents

 what's in here?

 {Don't blow out my candles}

 can't wait to taste it

tasted great

{Happy Day}

Motives

can 

be 

an 

indirect 

outcome 

of 

reserved 

actions

I am examining...

how closely 

I critique a mistake

Do I look for the benefit of doubt?

Do I brush it under the rug?

Do I point the blame?

Do I internalize it?

Am I willing to forgive others?

Am I willing to forgive myself?

confusion

circling

obnoxious 

negative
facts

ultimately

shaping 

interior

opinions
negatively

innocence

engulfs my world
i sense it in my space
i see it in their eyes
i feel it in their emotions
i protect it with every ounce of my being
i don't ever want to lose it

...what did i expect???

...when i asked

a 2 year old

to vacuum up 

his cupcake

mess!?!

i guess you get what you ask for