I cannot do it alone,

only by accepting

grace

can

I be in

the peace to

forgive

I choose to allow

{Him} to move in me,
soften my heart
heal my hurt
and forgive my pain...

UNFORGIVENESS is like...

drinking poison

and

expecting it

to

{kill}

someone

else...

...if I am a princess, then

I should live 
AND
be treated
like {Royalty}
not the snobbish kind


why have I settled for less?

I AM the daugther

of

a

{KING}

***that would make me a princess***

Does it really matter

what anyone says about you or I here on earth?

I have come to realize

that others can say whatever they want

and can say whatever they want about me...


My peace in the matter is...


{one Being knows the truth}


and that IS all that matters.

Happy Birthday!

Jesus,

I'm so glad it's Christmas!

Thank you for your gift to us,

on that first Christmas morn'!

What an honor

Mary must have felt
chosen to be the Mother of our Savior

I am sure she questioned 'why me?'
and wondered if she was doing it right

God gave her the grace
the Holy Spirit gave her the strength
and Her Child, Our Savior, gave her the courage

thank you for this example in my life

What must it have felt like,

to 

be the 

husband

*
of a 

Woman

about to give 

birth to our Savior.

A first time, dad. I am sure 

he had all of the same questions, 

concerns, and expectations that we have today?!?  

He had to of known there was something special about this 

child.  Even though, he could not have been any more prepared 

than we are 

now, awaiting 

the arrival 

of a child.

3 months ago...and court today...

2

situations

I wish I

could

get

out

of

my

mind

 *

2

of the

hardest

lowest

earth-shattering

realities 

of 

my

life!

How do you even begin to accept

that your                                                                          It

closest                                         is
most                                                                                a
intimate                                                   really
relationship                               lonely
is not                                                    place
for                                                                to
real?                                                         be!

What do I need to do

in

this

very 

moment?

...that is all that matters right now...

Who am I to deserve

a 

God

who 

loves

me

unconditionally?

I am His child, and that will never change.

Ask and you shall receive...

Generousity

is something freely given

I cannot expect  it

I don't feel as though I deserve it.

Why can I be so generous

and give completely of myself

but feel as though I am not worthy of the same from others?

I am learning to accept others generousity,

and not believe that I am being a burden

but to accept their generousity with sincerity.

Love cannot erase

those painful memories,

love cannot replace,

what you haven't been for me,

love cannot undo,

all the hurtful things once said,

love can only look to the future,

and hope for a brighter tomorrow

and live in the moment today!

Fear

is 

the

underlying 

feeling

of

all 

negative

emotions

when 

in 

reality

FEAR is only

False Evidence Appearing Real

What can you give?

Instead of my kids thinking and talking and asking

about what they WANT for Christmas...

We try to think, talk, and ask

about what we can GIVE for Christmas!

on the other side of struggle

we

find 

JOY!

Imagine this...

the day there is 

no sickness

no bills

no messes

no stress

no dis-ease

no hatred

no pain

no suffering

no sadness

Imagine that!

LIFE

Loving

It
For-

Ever!

it is most eloquent

to see God's words press

the layers of my heart

and send me healing messages

when I feel like falling apart

it is most eloquent

How is it

that at certain times in 


our life


we are like the liquid 

underneath a straw


waiting to be


sucked back in?

I was being questioned by

my 3 year old 

about the devil

he wanted to know everything 

he could about the devil 

he had lots of questions

he decided that the devil certainly must  

NOT have a car to drive...

because he just uses his bicycle!

God does not care about

our past...

 
He only focuses on the future!

I choose to accept life

on it's terms
rejoice for the good

forgive the bad

and  
give 

it 

all

up

to 

{GOD}

Life

has 

an 

interesting 

way

of

figuring

itself

out

One of those days

when I have to sweep the floor 14 times
vacuum the rug 3 times
wipe up 5 spills
pile 2 more loads of clean laundry on the already washed 10 loads
look at 3 more loads of dirty clothes that  need to be washed
see a stack of bills that need to get paid
a sink full of clean dishes
a stack of dirty dishes
7 beds un-made
a dirty vehicle inside and out
a bunch of leaves that need to be raked
a puppy that needs to be walked
7 children that need to {be loved}...

I am so thankful that I am living this life,
AND I am capable of doing these things!

RICHEST in the sense of

{Eternal Life}

How many people can take their pain and suffering and offer it up for others?

How many people can take their material possessions and offer them up for others?

We cannot offer our things up for others,

but we can imitate Christ 

and allow our suffering to be someone else's path to eternity!?!

Don't let one bit of it...

go

to 

waste!

{Suffering} that is.

Those who carry the greatest suffering

are truly the richest people...

UNFORGIVENESS is like...

drinking poison

and

expecting it

to

kill

someone

else...

***pause playlist at the bottom first***

I {LOVE} this song!

It follows exactly what I blogged yesterday!

{He} is speaking to my heart,

"Who told you, 

you were not good enough, disgusting, not worth it?

Who told you ,

you were not a good wife, mother, friend?

Who 

criticized the way you look, act, speak? 

Who told you 

that everyone else was prettier, skinnier, better?

Who told you 

that you were not smart enough, fast enough, funny enough?

Who 

implied that you were stupid, lazy, ugly?

{Certainly, it was not I}

I love you just the way you are.

I have shown you perfect love through my son.

I have perfected my love for you,

and that will never change.

I have never said any of those things to you.

That is of this world.

My love is perfect,

and when that is matched inside of you,

you are made perfect by 

my love!"

Happy Birthday!

Today is my mother-in-laws birthday.
She deserves
a beautiful day,
another year of health,
and some time to care for herself.

I am grateful for her life
because without her,
my husband would not be here.
She gave him life.
She was the first woman to love him.

I wish her a very Happy Birthday!

Going it alone

is not anything I ever asked for

I expected life would give me more

but it is what it is for right now

I will get through, some way, some how

when I begin to think I am going it alone

I have to remember His Heavenly Throne

I would not be here doing what I am doing now

If it were not HIS plan, some way, some how

out of our {human"ness"}

we can be
so anxious to get rid of 
someone or something

that

when it is taken away 
from you

without your
knowledge or consent...

you feel 
betrayed
violated
taken for granted
frustrated
angry...

Major problems

with 
my
computer...

I
am
so
{UN-intelligent}
when
it
comes
to
computers...
after a couple days and{several HOURS}
I have everything up and running smoothly
{I think}

KNOCK ON WOOD!

Happy Birthday!

to my niece  
she is 3  
she is my husbands, sisters, daughter. 
 she actually shares her birthday with my son yesterday,  
but she is one year older  
she is smart  
she is sweet
 and she is cute  
we don't get to see them very often,  
we cherish the time we get to spend together  
it makes us grateful for the rare,  
 special time shared with family 

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday!

My older kids reminded me today,

that since he is 2,

he is no longer a baby.

He is a BABY!

He is my BABY!

I have tried to convince

myself different, but I cannot.

Even though he is turning

into such a little boy, now.

He is ALL BOY!

He is rough!

He is loud!

He is funny!

He is tough!

He is crazy!

He repeats EVERYTHING!

He makes the cutest animal sounds!

He counts and says his abc's.

He loves to sing.

His favorite is Holy, Holy, Holy.

He loves the outdoors.

He likes to play with cars, trucks, and airplanes.

Still a picky "texture" eater.

He has a giggle all the way from the bottom of his tummy.

He is sweet as can be!

He makes us all laugh.

He brings so much joy to our lives!

I am blest by his presence

and look forward to another year with him as my baby, {for now}

Happy Birthday little buddy!

Everyday I am challenging myself

to

{ACT}

better

than

I

{FEEL}

If we are waiting for

everything to be
perfect
before we can be
happy,

we need to stop
and learn
to be happy
and live with
imperfection!

2 months ago we lost our baby

i was caught off guard
when a friend who is due at the same time I would have been
was talking about her pregnancy
...and the joys
...the aches and pains
...the anticipated due date

REALITY set in

that should be me, too,
i should have that pregnant glow,
i should be sharing how i am feeling
and watching my belly growing round

i would have been past the first trimester, already
but it isn't so
and i am not dwelling on what could have been

i was just taken aback as the thought crossed my mind
oh yeah, that was {suppose} to be me, too

My suffering today

***

is not

merely

*for my days here on earth*

but

for

what

is

to

come!

***

...can there possibly be

ANYMORE?

I am

sick

and

tired

of

feeling

sick

and

tired...

I completely believe

that our body does not forget...

{Leaf} us alone

we are busy working

trying to clean up our yard
but jumping in the pile

and being a spectator


just seemed like too much fun

now we wonder why

all the leaves are once again scattered around

I guess we will have to try raking again tomorrow

and clean-up a new mess

because today we have enjoyed the {pile of leaves}

it is so convenient

that

our mind

can mask our memories

so

we don't have to

try and deal with them

every second

of

every minute

of

every day

Survival

is the
{acceptance}
of what
{life}
has handed
to me

It's A Party

in celebration of her 13th birthday

it was a {Girl's Night Out}

special time with friends

eating and opening gifts

time to go home

fun had by all

Broken arm

our 6 year old daughter
fell off of a zipline at school about a week and a half ago

she broke the radius in her right arm

we were talking and realized
in 13 years we have had no staples, stitches, or broken bones,

and now, in the last 5 months we have had
5 staples
7 stitches
and a broken arm

{I hope they go in 3's???}

granted with 7 kids we have a greater likelihood of an injury,
but what are the odds?

Our family

connects us to
the spaces, faces, and places we have been...


and it provides us an opportunity to change.

When you

look

for

{good}

in

others,

you will

find

{good}

within

yourself

I don't understand

why our sweet daughter has to continue to suffer from seizures.
I am finding myself question why?
I hate what it does to her.
I despise how it makes her feel.
I can not stand how she looses control.
I dread when she becomes so fearful.
I am frustrated with doctors.
I wish things could be different.
I regret not being able to do more.
It breaks my heart...

Someone is bigger than me

And
He
has
once
again
proven
it
to
me.

Happy Birthday!

Today is my sisters birthday.
She is younger than me. She is the youngest in our family.
She is my only sister.

She used to look up to me when we were growing up.
I used to get so mad when she wanted to dress like me,
talk like me, act like me, and then start wearing my clothes...

Our mom said it was because she looked up to me and liked the way I did things.
She said I should see it as a compliment, not a burden.

I have to say she doesn't look up to me so much anymore,
but I do see it as a compliment when she does.

She is a beautiful person, an excellent mom,
and I look forward to getting to know her better again.

I want to wish her good health and
another wonderful year of life.

I saw the look in her eyes

as she was falling over
I caught her just before she hit the ground
the fear in her eyes
I knew
we were out in public
other people saw us
some stared
no one understood
they all continued about their business
and had no idea what was happening
as I sat and cradled her for over 30 minutes
waiting for her body to stop seizing

it is pure torture
holding your child
and knowing there is nothing you can do to help

Road Trip

We had to make a road trip back to SD
We got a different car for my husband to drive
His car blew up last week,
Yes that is 2 months after putting a new transmission in
We bought a car from my brother that is shall I say {DISPOSABLE}
We payed so little for it,
that if anything goes wrong with it ,
it is not worth fixing.

It is in decent shape
and God was looking out for us
as He had this whole process already planned.

I trust in Him and His timing!

When I was younger

I use to make every story have a happy ending.
No matter what it was.
A news broadcast,
a movie,
a book,
a story,
anything I viewed
as not having a
{happily-ever-after}
I would critique in my mind
and create that best case scenario ending.

I realize I have been trying to do that with my life.
If the day,
the situation,
the mood,
the hostility,
the projected feelings
are not what I perceive I want them to be,
then I overlook it and make it a
{happily-ever-after}.

This has not served me well.
I have missed a lot of life
not facing reality and trying to believe in
{happily-ever-after}.

I realize that
{happily-ever-after}
is only for fairy tales...
and I am definitely not living
one
of
those
fairy tales!

I prayed it wouldn't be cold

but I forgot to pray for NO WIND!

Can you say WINDY? It wasn't terribly cold,

but it was one of the windiest days we have seen lately.

Despite the wind, the boys had a great time and enjoyed the skate park.

We only had a half day of school that day,

so we were able to have his party and celebrate on his actual birthday.

We celebrated with pizza, cake, gifts, and of course

RIDING!

Luckily, there was only one flame to blow out,

and with enough sheltering,

he actually got to blow it out!

{after being re-lit multiple times}

We had to hold on to EVERYTHING!



It was a great day!

Dooped

Lately,
I have been feeling like I have been
{DOOPED}

I have come to realize,
that life
and certain
situations
haven't
dooped me...

I have only

dooped myself into

believing something that

is not

reality

Can you say

{PIZZA?}

Mmmmm...


...MMMMM

GOOD!

Happy Birthday!

Today our oldest-first-born daughter will celebrate her birthday.
It is official - {we have a teenager in the house}.
She is celebrating her 13th birthday.

She is a brilliant, beautiful person!
She has set our standards high as parents.

I love sharing my life with her,
and I sometimes regret that I don't spend as much time with her as I would like.

She is very responsible and helps me out a lot.

I try really hard to balance responsibility and not taking advantage of her birth order.

I thank God for her.

Happy 13th Birthday!
I will love you forever, like you for always,
and as long as I am living my baby You will BE!

I take it back!

I have taken back my dignity.

I am not going to let others dictate me...

...my feelings

...my thoughts

...my emotions

...my mood

...my ability to live life to the fullest extent...

Halloween costumes

{this year we had}

one big baby

a soccer beauty nerd

a spider web

a pumpkin princess

a kitty cat

a bumblebee transformer

and

a monkey

Halloween is as evil as you make it

My philosophy on Halloween is:
we are just celebrating another holiday
{always a fun thing to do}
Halloween is celebrated right before
All Souls and
then All Saints Days
It is a time to remember all those who have passed
we allow our kids to dress up in appropriate costume
and enjoy the time we get to spend as a family
we look away from the world's views
and shelter them just a bit
and go about our way
enjoying the spirit of disguising ourselves in costume

Trunk-or-Treat

smell our feet

give us something good to eat...

we {get to} celebrate Halloween

3 days in a row...

YEAH!

Today

I attended my 4 year old's pre-school
parent/teacher conference
I struggle with a lot of guilt
having her on the seizure meds
she was out of it for 3 1/2 years
the most formitive years
for a child
I wonder if she will be able to catch up
She is so far behind
it is completely overwhelming
for me as her mom
I cannot fathom how overwhelmed
she must feel with all of the info
she is being introduced to
I know everything will work out
just the way it is suppose to...
but I have a lot of work in front of me
I feel like I have to make up for the 3 1/2 years lost
over the course of this one year...

she is a very bright child,
I know she can do it.

Happy Birthday!

Today my oldest son celebrates his 9th birthday.
Where has the time gone?
It doesn't seem like that long ago,
we were awaiting the news of our ultra-sound
to learn we were having a BOY!

I had a gut feeling.
Dad didn't want to get his hopes up.

He has grown up into a very fine young man.
He has a big heart and very often will take care of others.
He is very smart and is good at anything he sets his mind to.
He sure is handsome, too.

Not that long ago,
we didn't know if we would see his 9th birthday,
his health challenges early on, definitely challenged us!

Through it all, we have witnessed health miracles,
and we have no doubt that
God has BIG plans for him and his life!

He will always succeed at anything he gives his heart to.
He is an awesome young man.
I love him all the way to the moon and back - infinity!

Happy Birthday,
I look forward to enjoying another year of life with you as my son!

I cannot believe

we are already having

{parent-teacher conferences}

we are already done with the first quarter

where has the time gone?!?

I sometimes wonder

if

my

entire

life

is

going

to

feel

like

a

test

{OR}

if

at

some

point

I

will

feel

like

I

have

finally

passed.

I am so thankful

for


this


beautiful


family!

A new way to look at PMS.

I was told the other day

when you are feeling some

PMS

{not the menstrual kind

the poor me syndrome kind}

PMS

is a sign

that you need to step back

and examine yourself

What am I doing

for me

How am I meeting my

PHYSICAL
MENTAL
SPIRITUAL

needs

{P*M*S}

Dear Kristian

It was a beautiful day

We honored your life

And said {goodbye} to part of our family

We believe that God planned you

God knew exactly what He was doing

Sometimes we wonder why

But we understand only God knows how

We released your life with words of love

And felt some sadness, too

But when we see the colors of the rainbow

We will always be reminded of you.

Plexiglass

1.Noun. plexiglass - a light transparent, weather resistant thermoplastic

When I don't like what is going on around me,
I am going to
dis-engage
and put up a
plexiglass box.
I can still see what's going on
around me,
but I don't have to take the pile of weight and
place it on me anymore...
I can shield myself from the storm
called life!

I don't like

being at the other end of a joystick

I am not going to allow someone else to
think
reason
assume
decide
dictate
pressure
manipulate
or force
my actions or decisions any more

I don't enjoy playing the game!

Piece of...

CAKE?

PIE?

@#$%?

I am changing the way I see others,

one in particular,

instead of seeing

a piece of @#$%!

I will see

a piece of pie!

...Pumpkin

or

Pecan

or

Chocolate Mousse

or

Lime

or...

This is exactly why

{I}

~miss~

{home}

One month ago today

I
had
a
feeling.
That
feeling
was
accurate.
We
were
expecting...

I feel like I am dealing with

the hardest decisions,

the toughest questions,

the longest answers,

I have ever had to face...

With

{Sending Hugs and Kisses from down below}