it is really a bittersweet moment
to realize that you get to
experience your first Christmas
away from me
you are experiencing all of your firsts
away from me
but the reality of Christmas and all of {baby's firsts}
remind me of what I am missing
I am missing you
and yes I have class and internship
and kids and life and a job
all to keep me occupied
but something is still missing...
this Christmas is especially hard for me
I made a bargain when I found out that I was pregnant
if you were a boy, that was my sign that I was suppose to place you for adoption
if you were a girl, that was my sign that I was suppose to keep you...
initially all the ultra-sounds indicated you were a boy,
that was my sign
until mid-October, I was completely surprised
you were actually a girl...
I was so busy with working 30+ hours each week, taking 18 credits at school,
and staying sane while raising seven kids
I was going to wait until Christmas break, when I would have some time to think
then I felt like I could process the situation and make the best decision for everyone involved
in reality, there is no good time to make a decision to place your child for adoption
it takes a lot of time and a lot of energy
I do not regret the decision I made
but making the right decision for myself and all of my children
has not been easy
something is missing...
