Happy Birthday!

Today my youngest celebrates his 4th birthday...
I don't know where the time goes
It doesn't seem possible that he is already 4 years old
and turning into a little boy
He is fiesty, strong willed, and determined
He can be sweet and difficult all at the same time
He definately tests his limits and can make us all crack up laughing
I wish You a very wonderful day and look forward to another year with you!

how convenient it is

to be so busy
that I do not possibly have time to think
about the decision I am making
to have an open adoption

I feel this part of me
press against my insides
and lovingly kick and jab
and I wonder
how on earth
I can detach from a piece of me

how can I possibly make a choice like that?

my heart is heavy and sad
it has been confirmed that I am carrying a baby girl
a precious daughter
to adorn in pink
I seemed to have a special connection with each of my daughters
and I always longed to have just one more
and to have that just one more
be a baby girl

why this
why now

early on
I was confident
I thought this won't be easy, but I can do it
I am beginning to doubt myself
my abilities
my intuitions

I have a few short 14 weeks left
and I savor the moments I will share with this child

honestly...I don't know if I can
be a mom again
or if I can give the most priceless gift anyone could give
...part of them self

what IF's

{what if}

i make the wrong decision

i pick selfishly

i don't think about every possibility

i don't know for sure

i am unable to follow through

i wait until last minute

i make the wrong decision

i regret it

{WHAT IF}

desicions

too difficult to process
questions unable to ponder
waiting for answers
unsure of facts
hardest life changing possibilities
ache for the future
unsure of positive decisions

life

can be crazy hard 
and wonderfully rewarding all at the same time...

I am so busy right now that I don't know if I am coming or going...
I am only working 20-25 hours a week now, but I am taking 18 credits at school
I have found this to be an extremely time consuming task

For selfish reasons, I am thrilled we do not have any extra-curricular activities again until next spring 
...just finished 2 in gymnastics, 1 cross country, 1 volleyball, and 1 basketball...

due to homework, end of sessions, AND a broken thumb with a cast up to the elbow...
we have no winter activities...and I do not feel sad about this at ALL

It doesn't seem like I can ever get caught up on my sleep...between stress...homework...and pregnancy...I never feel like I can get enough

I can see the end in sight with only three semesters of school left, I feel so confident that I can do this...
I know I can and I know I will

Happy Birthday!

I wish my beautiful, wonderful, younger, grayer sister a happy birthday today!

She is an amazing person and a wonderful mother.
She deserves all the best life has to offer...

Happy Birthday!

My oldest daughter is 15 today
that is really hard to believe...
even harder to believe that she is as tall as me
and almost passing me up...

she is a beautiful, kind, and talented person
she values her faith 
she is very responsible
she doesn't complain often
and helps others whenever she can

I am very lucky to call her my daughter
and look forward to another year celebrating her life