Numb...

Today, I still feel numb.
Yesterday, it was one week since we had a miscarriage.

{I have nothing to say or talk about.}
I have been doing a good job of keeping myself busy.

I don't have much time to think about anything.
Life just keeps on moving along,
and it sure doesn't stop to wait for us to sit around and mope.

I am dealing with life at my pace,
which is really slow right now.

I am allowing my body and mind to adjust to every aspect of my life.
Maybe I am just numb to the world around me so I can heal.

Your Daddy, Rainbow baby...

Daddy, had his way of secretly letting

me know he wanted you

without actually coming out

and saying it.

He remodeled a closet,

and inside above the doorway,

made a sketch of a cross.

On the beam it said,

Daddy and Mommy,

around our names were 7 hearts

representing each of our children

then a question mark.

He told me that he knew we were suppose to have another,

he just didn't know when.

Well, surprise, surprise, we were already

expecting you.

Daddy was ready for you,

and he is really sad and disappointed you are not with us.

He has a hard time expressing his

feelings and emotions.

I pray

that

all of his

guilt

and

sadness

are

removed

from

his heart,

so he can focus

only on the blessings.

Daddy is a good man and he is

trying really, really hard...

Day 1 without you...

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I woke up this morning reaching for my stomach, a smile began to spread across my face, then I woke up for real, and reality set in. You are not here with me any more. I cradle my stomach and wonder how you are doing. I felt so beautiful carrying you within. I missed your daddy's blessing and goodnight kiss on my stomach, before I went to sleep last night. I know how much he loved you. Each of us loved you so much before we even met you. Mackenzie decided to carry the case of water out of the grocery store because she didn't want me to lift anything too heavy. Taylor always has a smile and knows just when I need a hug. Caleb has so much love to give, he is willing to share at any moment. Shaye cried a few tears with me, she wants to understand, but just doesn't quite get it. Ella still wants to believe that you are still there and we might have one, no two new babies, a boy and a girl...I wish this were true. Sweet boy Quinton, wanted to know if the baby wasn't in my tummy, was it in my head, I said no, the baby is in heaven with Jesus, and he told me, "Mommy, I will have a baby in my tummy for you"...and then Keegan, you really don't understand. You still want to nurse all the time and don't understand why I become frustrated, it's not your fault. I am so glad you are still my baby.
I am so lucky to have each of these wonderful people to share my life with. I don't ever want to take them for granted. Each of them are so precious, just as precious as life itself.

The day we lost you...

Wednesday, September 22, 2010
My precious Rainbow baby,

I welcomed your presence into my life, only a mere six days ago,
Now, you have left us all too swiftly, and we must let you go.

I cannot contain into words the joy and excitement each of us has felt,
Thanking God for your life, more time on my knees in prayer, I wish I had knelt.

I watched each of your siblings embrace your life and my face smiled with a glow,
Now, my body aches for your loss as my heart swells with sorrow, no baby to show.

I know we are not at fault, nor are we to blame,
I don't want to spend our time carrying guilt and shame.

Instead I want to celebrate your simple life, for God has a magnificent plan,
And rejoice for the time we had, though we could never touch your hand.

I am sorry we could not meet you, or watch you take that first breath,
I will miss your newborn smells, and never get to lay you to my breast.

In the coming days I will mourn not feeling that first kick,
But God chose to welcome you back home, YOU were His top pick.

While you are not here, there are many things that we will miss,
So I beg for an angel to wrap you up and give you that first heavenly kiss.

I know your life will be more fulfilled as you wait in heaven for me,
You will not have to suffer or deal with the painful place this world seems to be.

I promise I will be there someday all too soon and hold you lovingly,
But for right now, your siblings here on earth, you know, they need me.

Please know how much I love you, though for a brief time we embraced,
As my child #8, my rainbow baby, you can never be replaced.

A better place holds you now, better than I ever could,
I won't ever forget the bond we shared, that only a mother's love has understood.

Extra kisses and a squeeze to loved ones as you have reminded me how precious life is,
I look forward to the day when we can touch and I will welcome our first kiss.

As your mother I cannot be replaced, but where you are you do not need me,
I need your love, because a life-long ache in my heart there will always be.

So for this one favor I do ask, that once in awhile, you give me a sign,
And send me a rainbow to remind me that your life was inspired by God's special design.

Know my love will never leave you as I continue to live my life on earth,
But, I am anxiously awaiting the day I meet you and celebrate your heavenly birth.

Goodbye with Love,
Mommy

Hello and Goodbye...

Before I even new it,
that yearn for a new baby was answered,
but all too quickly
it was taken away from us.

Here we are left sad and heavy hearted...

Happy Birthday!

Today I want to wish my nephew, on my husband's side-
A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

He actually shares his birthday with my dad {yesterday}.

He is an active, spirited, and intelligent kid.

I wish him a happy day and another year full of life!

Happy Birthday!

Today is my father's birthday.

He is someone I am proud of.
Even though we don't talk a lot,
or even very often, I know he cares for me deeply.

He is a man of few words.
I respect his ability to not gossip about anyone or anything.
He doesn't bad mouth people.
He is as honest as you can be.
He has a strong intuition
and follows his God-given ability to
look into other's hearts.
Following God is his priority.
I am grateful for the respect he has shown my mother,
and I appreciate the love he exemplified growing up.
I am humbled by his meekness.
He is an awesome papa.

I hope to get to know him better this next year,
and start to open up and share my life with him more.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Happy Birthday!

Today is my father-in-laws birthday...

I thank him for giving life to my husband, his son.
Without him, my children's life would not be possible.

He worked hard, supported his family,
and gave my husband the best he had.

I wish him a very happy day and
another year filled with God's blessing and peace!

Happy Birthday!

True

{favorite color} green

{favorite food} pork-n-dumplings

{at 16 hit a} cow

{school colors} black / orange

{age 19} married

{1st child at} 18

{years of college}1

{live in homes} 6

{hate my}freckles

{wore glasses at} 14

{at 16 hubby and I started} dating

what were you thinking?

{ night we met hubby told friends I was his} wife

Fill in the blanks

My favorite color is { }

My favorite food is { }

I hit a { }when I was 16

Our school colors were { }

I was { }when I was 19

I had our first child when I was { }

I attended { } year/s of college

We have lived in { } homes

I use to hate my { }

I have wore glasses since I was { }

My hubby and I started { } when I was 16

On the night we met, my hubby told his friends I was his{ }

Well, that's enough *info* for one day.

{Answers tomorrow}

Can you figure any out?

Quirkies

*

My initials are {J~A~N}

I am born in {Jan}

*

Our anniversary is {7~11}

We had {7 kids in 11 years}

*

All of our kids first names begin with a {different letter of the alphabet}

All of our kids' middle names start with the {letter L}

*

My hubbies and my b-days are {11 days apart in Jan}

We were married on the {11th of the July}

*

I was born in {'79}

I graduated in {'97}

*

Happy Birthday!

{2} day is my nephew's birthday.

He is my younger brothers first born son.

He is a handsome young guy and is very good natured.

We don't get to see them as often as we like,

but this brings all the happiness a birthday wish could bring.

Happy 2nd Birthday little man!

I choose...

to
perceive
the
blessings
in
every
opportunity
I
encounter!

'gotta love it

not only have they all been sick once...

but it is circling through twice

i sure do hope we don't

keep passing this 'bug' around

we will all have to separate and

live apart for a few days until we all get well {ha,ha}

Oh, well,

somewhere amidst the disaster in my house
I let go of my desire to keep it all up, to keep it all tidy, to have it all 'perfect'

somehow I thought if my life felt out of control and didn't feel perfect,
then I could see 'something' along the lines of perfection

while my kids have been sick, I have needed to let go

it was so peaceful, so relaxing, so enjoyable
to forget about everything else

learning to take care of me, and set my priorities has been a slow process

in the mess of everything else right now
my heart is ready to overflow with joy

the joy my children bring to my life
I can live with the mess
{for a little while}

Sick Kids

All I can say is...

{AAAAaaaaahhhhhgggggGGGG}

Like I should have expected,

this pukin' bug is going to go thru each

one-by-one.

We have had a different puking kid

each day since Sunday.

Luckily, it only lasts about 48 hours!

Am I crazy, or what?!?...

{Yes, I AM crazy,

but, SO what.}

I am so ready to welcome a new baby into our family.

Oh, to see a new baby,

makes my heart flutter with butterflies.

All of our children are

ready for another, or more.

Here's my dilemma,

I am not ready for the

high risk pregnancy,

all of the doctor appointments,

the 9 months of sickness,

and the aches and pains of pregnancy.

I am going to continue

leaving it up to God.

He has it all figured out.

I don't want to spend my time thinking

about our next possible blessing

and missing out on all of the

beautiful innocence right in

front of my face!

Seizures

I'm not surprised,
I don't know why I should be,
just when I thought there couldn't be anymore,
SURPRISE, surprise!

Yesterday "our baby" {he's not a baby} had a seizure.
It was his first.
We thought we were "out of the woods" with him.

We were content with the fact that "only" 5 out of 7 had seizures,
one of which is still actively having them.
We thought for sure he was not going to have any.
The kids all started at an earlier age,
and he has ran temps before and had no problem with them at all.

Even though I have watched my children have 1000' s of seizures.
It is still just an absolutely devastating, helpless feeling.

I have to give it all over to God!
Sometimes I wonder, do I really want to?
Do I honestly have the strength to endure what He has in store for my life?

I couldn't live my life without it.
My faith is my saving grace and without that I would be lost.
I will have to continue on , the same way I always have.
One step at a time, putting one foot in front of the other...

I will face each challenge I encounter with faith!

One day

i was maybe 14 or 15 years old,
i let my mind begin to wander,
and opened a piece of my heart,
searching for more in my life i did ponder,


it was totally unexpected,
words i did not understand,
but i knew they were something powerful,
and within it God had His hand.

It's reality

Well, the school year has officially started
and activities are in full swing...
I love the busyness of it!
I love supporting my kids in their activities.
I am not a sports fanatic,
but I love to watch my kids in a game of sports!
It is...
Reality that 2 activities are more than likely overlapping time.
Reality that we will have a minimum of 4 games per weekend.
Reality that this is not forever and will be gone all, too, soon!

Blue eyes

our son has the most captivating, sparkling blue eyes.
they especially stand out among his siblings
{5 brown, 1 hazel green}.
moms are green
dads are brown
while I was hugging and loving on him, I said...
" Where did you get your blue eyes from?"

He thought about it and replied...
"...from the store..."

MY MIND...

Is

a

grey

cloud

of

nothing

right

now.

I

can't

focus,

can't

concentrate,

can't

even

think

straight.

I realize...

I need to take better care of me!

Life

It seems like a lot of the time lately,

Things seem to be going good
and I just begin to start taking a sigh of relief...
like one little, teeny-tiny, minute puff....

And then WHAM. Reality hits.
Life isn't easy. It can't be simple.
You have to keep working hard.
You get no breaks.

It's just life...

Let Go and let God...

is a mouth full of words.

this has been my 'saving grace' lately.

it is so rewarding and freeing to know I am not in control
and I do not have to be.
Someone else has it all figured out...

so as I continue one day at a time I will
let go and let God.

Boundaries

I have had a hard time setting boundaries for myself.

I need to learn how to set a boundary
stick to it
love it
appreciate myself for it
and accept it

I can always change my mind
setting a boundary doesn't
= permantly forever.

Dear God...

help

me

to

see

myself

through

Your

eyes.

Relief

Relief for me comes

when I find the ability to let go of the need to control

when I can finally stop looking at others and wishing or wanting them to do exactly as I say or wish

when I decide that I am powerless over everyone except myself

when myself becomes a priority

when I can look in the mirror and love what I see

when I don't have to blame others for my imperfections

when I can accept that I am not perfect and I will make mistakes

when I can laugh along with others and at myself

Loss for words

I am at a loss for words right now

I have so much to say,

but I just don't know how to say it.

I also have very little time to even

find the time to say it...

if that makes sense!?!

skin or hair

after
taking a bath
and drying off,
my
daughter
says,
"Mommy,
when I
am big like you,
I will have
a hair "bottom"
not a
skin "bottom"!

Shaye is a 1st grader

This is the year Shaye "gets to" transition into

self-sufficiency.

It sometimes is difficult for her to decide if she wants to be independent or not.

When it is convenient and it means extra privileges, she is a big kid,

when it is inconvenient and it means doing chores, she is a little kid.

Shaye is a bright kid and I know she will have a great year.

I look forward to watching her grow!