6 months

it seems impossible 

that six months of life have passed

since you were mine

a piece of my heart exists 

outside of my body

i experience loss in ways i have never felt before

i feel grief so intense on my chest

that it sometimes takes my breath away

i spend a lot of time not thinking about anything

because i don't want to think about

losing you

i make ill planned decisions and rash judgements

because i don't want to think

about any one thing for very long

i have encountered 

so many situations 

i push those dearest to me away

trying to feel less of an emptiness in losing you

as a new mom

i should be showing off my newborn

i should be experiencing each of your firsts

i should be soothing you when you cry

and feel the joy in your laughter

i have not figured out how to define my life

living with the loss of you

i want to tell everyone who asks about my children

about all eight of them and brag

all about this new baby i have

how adorable she is

how she is 6 months old now

how she is starting to giggle

and babble sounds 

how she is sitting up

and starting to eat baby food

about how chubby she is getting 

and how deep brown her eyes are

and how dark black her hair is

and how beautiful her skin tone is

AND...

that she doesn't live with me...

and my heart sinks

this isn't the way it should ever have to be

as much as i want to tell the world all about you

i can't

it is too painful,

it is too difficult

and then i feel guilty that i have a beautiful daughter

that i am not able to share with the world

a part of me that i don't claim

it is such a difficult balance of 

joy and pain

sacrifice and reward

happiness and sorrow

fear and understanding

unconditional love

love i will always have for you

redefined through my life

and experiences

that shape me as 

your birth mother