Happy Birthday!

to Quinton
he is 4 today

as soon as the month of July arrived
he thought it was time for his birthday
almost everyday he asked, "is today my birthday?"
instead he had to wait the entire month for his special day

Quinton is all boy
he is full of energy
and spunk
and spice
he is a sweet boy
who leaves my heart proud
and makes me smile

Last night

I worked the overnight shift

we are doing inventory

and I was one of the lucky ones picked to help out

it was a long night

I am hoping to get some sleep today

feeling a bit tired

I am really glad this is not my normal shift!

I am EXCITED...

my 3 BIG kids are coming home today...
they have been at papa's and grama's for over 2 weeks
I was happy for them to get the opportunity to spend time with relatives
but I sure did miss them
they hardly talked to me on the phone at all
it seemed like if they talked to me
it made them miss me
it also meant that they were having a good time
which I greatly appreciate

in the last 2 weeks,
I was a little surprised how many LESS
groceries we went through
adding 3 kids to the equation makes a big difference

...but, I am willing to buy the extra groceries to have them home again

the power within self

governs my daily routine

i can use it to fuel my day
or
i can allow it to destroy my abilities

time

it seems like just yesterday,
...that I brought my first born home from the hospital
...that I learned we would have a second child
...that we moved and purchase our very first home of our own
...that I suffered in agony dealing with seizures
...that I was still a little girl needing her parents love and attention
...that I made the hardest decision of my life
...that I started working full time
...that I decided to start back to school
...that I learned to start loving myself

and yet it feels like it has been forever since,
...I brought my first born home from the hospital
...I learned we would have a second child
...we moved and purchase our very first home of our own
...I suffered in agony dealing with seizures
...I was still a little girl needing her parents love and attention
...I made the hardest decision of my life
...I started working full time
...I decided to start back to school
...I learned to start loving myself

inside my head

a jumbled mess
confusing thoughts circling about

unanswered questions

forcing me to doubt

my past...the future 
everything in between

the light at the end of the tunnel
can hardly be seen...

Unexpected

quality time
spent with loved ones
savored moments
missed opportunities
long overdue

Big Hurdles

I am overcoming

standing on my own

fighting for whats right

protecting me

being strong

feeling empowered

doing whats right

a little hesitant

facing fears

having courage

I am totally amazed and blown away

by His infinite wisdom and knowledge
He is pushing me to stretch and grow
so far out of my comfort zone
I have no choice but to cry out to Him for help
He is giving me the strength to walk through this
He is walking along side me 
He is shaping me into His perfection
He won't give me more than I can handle

{I feel so empowered}

DEFEATED

days
effect
forcing
every
anticipated
task
experiencing
defeat

special days

today marks a day of celebration
a day to reflect
another year of marriage
strong emotions
mixed feelings
just another day

headed out of town

6 hour drive
to papas and gramas
stay for just 4 days
leave 3 oldest kiddos  with grandparents
2 -3 weeks missing them
special time with 4 youngest
long drive
lots of laundry
suitcases
and a messy car
all worth it

Celebration

memories

 *excitement*

 {life}

 acceptance

 friends

 FAMILY

 special occasion

 freedom

 America

 days

 laughter

 *smiles*

 loud

 numbers

 late

 crowds

 noise

 traffic

 {special}

 once a year

 4th

 JULY

INDEPENDENCE

Happy Birthday!

...to my mom

She is celebrating her 

57th birthday

today.  She is a beautiful person

with a strong faith.

I appreciate her more than she will ever know.

I wish her a Happy Day.

AND

Happy Birhday

to 

my youngest niece...my goddaughter

she is 1 today

I miss seeing her grow

and look forward to seeing her soon!

Happy day sweet girl!

sometimes I wonder

what the view 
through the window pane
of my life 
looks like

I see all the busyness
I feel the tension
I see the chaos
I see the craziness
I see the silliness
I see the excitement
I experience the tough days
I see the struggles
I feel the stress
I see the messes
I see the imperfections
I see the love
I experience the joy

I hope others
most importantly
see the example 
of a
God loving
Life giving
True living 
view
through my window pane

I am getting

honest
and
true
to
myself...
I am not hiding behind my perceived reality anymore

{more to come}

As soon as I open myself up

to the feelings buried deep
I realize the pain I have been hiding
and through my pores anger begins to seep

why was I so naive
to the vices binding my life
I am letting go and learning how to be {free}
kinda like etching pieces away with a knife

I feel the pain consume me within
to my emotions I have become numb
pain is a constant vibe pulling at my body
but the storm inside only appears to be, a distant hum