Eight months...

have passed
an in-between stage for me
I am beginning to feel "okay" but the more
"okay" I feel,
the more it seems like I am trying to forget
like I am trying to say "I am okay" with this...
for so many reasons
I will never be completely okay
being okay feels like I am moving on,
or I have somehow forgotten
or I don't care anymore
I cannot completely wrap my brain around the feelings of my heart...
they are disconnected at best
I am so happy for the wonderful adoptive family that raises my daughter
but every time I see her,
I miss her so much and
I see how much I am missing
I see her cling to "her mom" and the bond they share,
I realize there are so many areas of her life I don't even know,
I don't get to put her to bed at night,
I don't experience the sweet coo's and late night feedings,
I don't know what her favorite toys are
or what keeps her entertained during the day,
I miss out on all of her firsts,
pieces of my heart crumble...
that could be me...that should be me...
I don't know if I will ever feel completely okay and
I am okay with that