Happy Birthday!

Today my oldest son is 12
It seems so hard to believe...
Time keeps moving faster the older my kids get
Caleb is an amazing young man
He is kind, considerate, friendly, and thoughtful
He is hard working, very talented, an amazing singer
and when he gives life his best, he proves excellence...
I am proud of this young man and all that he accomplishes...
I look forward to many birthdays ahead and celebrating life!

Eight months...

have passed
an in-between stage for me
I am beginning to feel "okay" but the more
"okay" I feel,
the more it seems like I am trying to forget
like I am trying to say "I am okay" with this...
for so many reasons
I will never be completely okay
being okay feels like I am moving on,
or I have somehow forgotten
or I don't care anymore
I cannot completely wrap my brain around the feelings of my heart...
they are disconnected at best
I am so happy for the wonderful adoptive family that raises my daughter
but every time I see her,
I miss her so much and
I see how much I am missing
I see her cling to "her mom" and the bond they share,
I realize there are so many areas of her life I don't even know,
I don't get to put her to bed at night,
I don't experience the sweet coo's and late night feedings,
I don't know what her favorite toys are
or what keeps her entertained during the day,
I miss out on all of her firsts,
pieces of my heart crumble...
that could be me...that should be me...
I don't know if I will ever feel completely okay and
I am okay with that