Numb...

Today, I still feel numb.
Yesterday, it was one week since we had a miscarriage.

{I have nothing to say or talk about.}
I have been doing a good job of keeping myself busy.

I don't have much time to think about anything.
Life just keeps on moving along,
and it sure doesn't stop to wait for us to sit around and mope.

I am dealing with life at my pace,
which is really slow right now.

I am allowing my body and mind to adjust to every aspect of my life.
Maybe I am just numb to the world around me so I can heal.

Your Daddy, Rainbow baby...

Daddy, had his way of secretly letting

me know he wanted you

without actually coming out

and saying it.

He remodeled a closet,

and inside above the doorway,

made a sketch of a cross.

On the beam it said,

Daddy and Mommy,

around our names were 7 hearts

representing each of our children

then a question mark.

He told me that he knew we were suppose to have another,

he just didn't know when.

Well, surprise, surprise, we were already

expecting you.

Daddy was ready for you,

and he is really sad and disappointed you are not with us.

He has a hard time expressing his

feelings and emotions.

I pray

that

all of his

guilt

and

sadness

are

removed

from

his heart,

so he can focus

only on the blessings.

Daddy is a good man and he is

trying really, really hard...

Day 1 without you...

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I woke up this morning reaching for my stomach, a smile began to spread across my face, then I woke up for real, and reality set in. You are not here with me any more. I cradle my stomach and wonder how you are doing. I felt so beautiful carrying you within. I missed your daddy's blessing and goodnight kiss on my stomach, before I went to sleep last night. I know how much he loved you. Each of us loved you so much before we even met you. Mackenzie decided to carry the case of water out of the grocery store because she didn't want me to lift anything too heavy. Taylor always has a smile and knows just when I need a hug. Caleb has so much love to give, he is willing to share at any moment. Shaye cried a few tears with me, she wants to understand, but just doesn't quite get it. Ella still wants to believe that you are still there and we might have one, no two new babies, a boy and a girl...I wish this were true. Sweet boy Quinton, wanted to know if the baby wasn't in my tummy, was it in my head, I said no, the baby is in heaven with Jesus, and he told me, "Mommy, I will have a baby in my tummy for you"...and then Keegan, you really don't understand. You still want to nurse all the time and don't understand why I become frustrated, it's not your fault. I am so glad you are still my baby.
I am so lucky to have each of these wonderful people to share my life with. I don't ever want to take them for granted. Each of them are so precious, just as precious as life itself.

The day we lost you...

Wednesday, September 22, 2010
My precious Rainbow baby,

I welcomed your presence into my life, only a mere six days ago,
Now, you have left us all too swiftly, and we must let you go.

I cannot contain into words the joy and excitement each of us has felt,
Thanking God for your life, more time on my knees in prayer, I wish I had knelt.

I watched each of your siblings embrace your life and my face smiled with a glow,
Now, my body aches for your loss as my heart swells with sorrow, no baby to show.

I know we are not at fault, nor are we to blame,
I don't want to spend our time carrying guilt and shame.

Instead I want to celebrate your simple life, for God has a magnificent plan,
And rejoice for the time we had, though we could never touch your hand.

I am sorry we could not meet you, or watch you take that first breath,
I will miss your newborn smells, and never get to lay you to my breast.

In the coming days I will mourn not feeling that first kick,
But God chose to welcome you back home, YOU were His top pick.

While you are not here, there are many things that we will miss,
So I beg for an angel to wrap you up and give you that first heavenly kiss.

I know your life will be more fulfilled as you wait in heaven for me,
You will not have to suffer or deal with the painful place this world seems to be.

I promise I will be there someday all too soon and hold you lovingly,
But for right now, your siblings here on earth, you know, they need me.

Please know how much I love you, though for a brief time we embraced,
As my child #8, my rainbow baby, you can never be replaced.

A better place holds you now, better than I ever could,
I won't ever forget the bond we shared, that only a mother's love has understood.

Extra kisses and a squeeze to loved ones as you have reminded me how precious life is,
I look forward to the day when we can touch and I will welcome our first kiss.

As your mother I cannot be replaced, but where you are you do not need me,
I need your love, because a life-long ache in my heart there will always be.

So for this one favor I do ask, that once in awhile, you give me a sign,
And send me a rainbow to remind me that your life was inspired by God's special design.

Know my love will never leave you as I continue to live my life on earth,
But, I am anxiously awaiting the day I meet you and celebrate your heavenly birth.

Goodbye with Love,
Mommy

Hello and Goodbye...

Before I even new it,
that yearn for a new baby was answered,
but all too quickly
it was taken away from us.

Here we are left sad and heavy hearted...

Happy Birthday!

Today I want to wish my nephew, on my husband's side-
A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

He actually shares his birthday with my dad {yesterday}.

He is an active, spirited, and intelligent kid.

I wish him a happy day and another year full of life!

Happy Birthday!

Today is my father's birthday.

He is someone I am proud of.
Even though we don't talk a lot,
or even very often, I know he cares for me deeply.

He is a man of few words.
I respect his ability to not gossip about anyone or anything.
He doesn't bad mouth people.
He is as honest as you can be.
He has a strong intuition
and follows his God-given ability to
look into other's hearts.
Following God is his priority.
I am grateful for the respect he has shown my mother,
and I appreciate the love he exemplified growing up.
I am humbled by his meekness.
He is an awesome papa.

I hope to get to know him better this next year,
and start to open up and share my life with him more.

Happy Birthday, Dad!