Eight months...

have passed
an in-between stage for me
I am beginning to feel "okay" but the more
"okay" I feel,
the more it seems like I am trying to forget
like I am trying to say "I am okay" with this...
for so many reasons
I will never be completely okay
being okay feels like I am moving on,
or I have somehow forgotten
or I don't care anymore
I cannot completely wrap my brain around the feelings of my heart...
they are disconnected at best
I am so happy for the wonderful adoptive family that raises my daughter
but every time I see her,
I miss her so much and
I see how much I am missing
I see her cling to "her mom" and the bond they share,
I realize there are so many areas of her life I don't even know,
I don't get to put her to bed at night,
I don't experience the sweet coo's and late night feedings,
I don't know what her favorite toys are
or what keeps her entertained during the day,
I miss out on all of her firsts,
pieces of my heart crumble...
that could be me...that should be me...
I don't know if I will ever feel completely okay and
I am okay with that

being strong

in every area of my life

has proven great weakness

my strength has wore me down

and left me depleted

because...

i care so deeply....
i am able to let you go
...i wanted so much more
...i wanted so much better
something about moving past the 6 month mark
is really hard...
the reality that more than 1/2 of the first year of your life has passed
there are so many {moments} i cannot get out of my mind
minute details that present ever so clearly
moments that feel so real, they seem to be happening right now
i try not to dwell on these moments too often
because they will consume me
my life has provided me so much opportunity
to claim my truth
as hard
as difficult
as emotionally challenging
as it is
i am forever grateful that i was
given the opportunity to give life
to a precious child
that has taught me so much
about life and myself

Happy Birthday!

Today my dad celebrated the BIG six-ohh

{60}

my dad is an amazing man of strength and courage

he is a positive role model in my life

I am so blessed to call him my father

and I savor the moments 

my children get to learn from him

this past year has presented my dad with some

unforeseen health challenges

and loss

I am beyond relieved 

that we are on the brighter side

but it sure has made my whole family

realize how quickly life can pass us by

it is so important to remember to let the people we love the most,

know how much they mean to us..

Happy Birthday DAD...you mean the world to me! 

6 months

it seems impossible 

that six months of life have passed

since you were mine

a piece of my heart exists 

outside of my body

i experience loss in ways i have never felt before

i feel grief so intense on my chest

that it sometimes takes my breath away

i spend a lot of time not thinking about anything

because i don't want to think about

losing you

i make ill planned decisions and rash judgements

because i don't want to think

about any one thing for very long

i have encountered 

so many situations 

i push those dearest to me away

trying to feel less of an emptiness in losing you

as a new mom

i should be showing off my newborn

i should be experiencing each of your firsts

i should be soothing you when you cry

and feel the joy in your laughter

i have not figured out how to define my life

living with the loss of you

i want to tell everyone who asks about my children

about all eight of them and brag

all about this new baby i have

how adorable she is

how she is 6 months old now

how she is starting to giggle

and babble sounds 

how she is sitting up

and starting to eat baby food

about how chubby she is getting 

and how deep brown her eyes are

and how dark black her hair is

and how beautiful her skin tone is

AND...

that she doesn't live with me...

and my heart sinks

this isn't the way it should ever have to be

as much as i want to tell the world all about you

i can't

it is too painful,

it is too difficult

and then i feel guilty that i have a beautiful daughter

that i am not able to share with the world

a part of me that i don't claim

it is such a difficult balance of 

joy and pain

sacrifice and reward

happiness and sorrow

fear and understanding

unconditional love

love i will always have for you

redefined through my life

and experiences

that shape me as 

your birth mother

Happy Birthday!

today my oldest brother celebrates his birthday
he is an amazing father and a wonderful person
I wish him many more happy years to come

disappointment

caused by predicaments in life
continue to provide me with
the opportunities to appreciate
where I am in my life

sometimes it is rather difficult
to not get caught up in
the way I think situations/circumstances
should go and just allow
them to work out
the way the were intended to...