earth shattering reality

I am a mother to a child who does not know who I am...

I love this child as much as life itself,

yet I am not the person she looks to

I am not the mother who feeds her

I am not the one who comforts her

It is an absolutely devastating reality
My heart breaks into a million pieces
when my baby looks at me and cries...
she doesn't want me to comfort her
she cries for another mother to comfort her
This child doesn't need or desire me in her life
the way I so desperately need and desire her.
 I don't blame her for this, 
it is all she knows, she is just a child
I am confident that someday,
this will change
but for right now,
this sucks,
it is so unbearably hard,
and it hurts more than I could have possibly imagined...

Happy Birthday!

Today Quinton is {6} 
Where has the time gone?
My little buddy is growing up so fast...
He will be starting Kinder this fall.
Quinton is the sweetest,
kindest little boy I know
he has a big heart,
he is so smart and loves to learn.
He enjoys building Legos and likes to investigate...
I am proud to be your mommy...
I wish you happiness today and every day of your life!

a piece of my heart is missing

it exists outside of my life
lives in a home away from mine
is cared for by a mother that is not me

a piece of my heart is missing

and nothing fills the void

this ache
this longing
this desire for more
leaves me feeling unsettled

there is no fix
or magic solution
that will disolve this all away

for now
I am learning how to live
with the pieces left
from a broken heart

....will you please

believe in me

until...

I can believe in myself?

Happy Birthday!

Today my mom celebrates her birthday.
I love the bond we share
Over the years we have developed a closeness 
not only as mother and daughter
but as friends.
I look forward to many more birthdays 
celebrating her life!

patiently waiting

for You to come through

on Your timing

I get so tired of waiting, wanting, wishing

You know all my thoughts, my desires, my pain

when I allow my life to follow the path

You have planned for me

the steps seem so much smoother

not saying that it is not still difficult

but I know I can make it, I will overcome it

because I have You by my side

seems like forever

since I called you mine
you are a perfect creation intertwined in my life
I have an emptiness inside
that cannot be filled
my heart has a piece missing
my grief is so intense
my pain is raw
but on the outside
 you cannot see the pain I carry within
acting like "I'm fine"
has become a part of my everyday coping skills
yet on the inside I am falling apart
How do you adjust?
How do you let go and just be?