{#35} already...

this is a hard year for me
only five more years to {#40}
I reflect on my life and don't feel
like I have accomplished the things I
wanted to by my {35th} birthday
I have seven wonderful children
who make me smile and drive me crazy
I will graduate in May with a BSW
after taking 29 credits this semester
and completing 500 hours at my internship
I will start my MSW in June and complete it in one year...
no, according to the "worlds standard" I am probably
not where I am expected to be at {#35}
but I look at what I have accomplished
what I have survived
the amount of sacrifices I have made
and how I have overcome
and I realize I need to give myself some credit...
I am {#35} and working diligently to make a
better life for my kids
it has not been easy
but it is worth it...
I will embrace {#35} with a new attitude
and be proud of how far I have come

Eleven months...

there is a void
that I desire to fill

it seems impossible
nothing replaces

this emptiness
it is hard to explain

I have learned to cope
I don't let it show

but this ache
can consume me

this void cannot be filled
I seek happiness

and have joy abounding
I am determined

and work extremely hard
I busy myself too often

it soothes the void
but it doesn't erase

time doesn't provide answers
it allows more time living with the reality

missing you, seeing you, holding you, touching you,
provides solace

but doesn't fill this void

Happy Birthday!

Today, my youngest daughter turns{8}

She is feisty and sweet and everything in between...

It is a joy to watch her transition from a little girl

into a big girl...

She is affectionate towards others on her terms,

but give her a baby and she cannot keep her hands off!

She has made great improvements this year and I am proud

of how hard she works.

Sometimes I question if she is only eight because she

can come up with some of the most bizarre off-the-wall statements...

and I love that about her!

Happy Birthday and I am blessed to celebrate you today!

WOW! Ten months already...

it is really a bittersweet moment
to realize that you get to 
experience your first Christmas 
away from me
you are experiencing all of your firsts 
away from me
but the reality of Christmas and all of {baby's firsts}
remind me of what I am missing
I am missing you
and yes I have class and internship
and kids and life and a job
all to keep me occupied
but something is still missing...
this Christmas is especially hard for me

I made a bargain when I found out that I was pregnant
if you were a boy, that was my sign that I was suppose to place you for adoption
if you were a girl, that was my sign that I was suppose to keep you...
initially all the ultra-sounds indicated you were a boy,
that was my sign
until mid-October, I was completely surprised
you were actually a girl...
I was so busy with working 30+ hours each week, taking 18 credits at school,
and staying sane while raising seven kids
I was going to wait until Christmas break, when I would have some time to think
then I felt like I could process the situation and make the best decision for everyone involved
in reality, there is no good time to make a decision to place your child for adoption
it takes a lot of time and a lot of energy
I do not regret the decision I made
but making the right decision for myself and all of my children
has not been easy
something is missing...

Nine months...

i am constantly remembering exactly how i felt one year ago
i was making some of the toughest decisions in my life
i look back and see the puzzle pieces fit together nicely
this time of year, with holidays, and the memories from one year ago
are difficult
i somehow thought i would be "all better"
when in reality
{what is all better}
and i cannot put a time limit on grief
grief is the underlying emotion i am getting to experience
while existing along side the joy
nine months...how can it already be nine months?
nine months...how can nine months have passed by so quickly?

Happy Birthday!

Today my oldest daughter celebrates"Sweet 16" 
Mackenzie is so grown up
she is an amazing friend and such a good example to everyone around her
she does her best and has a huge heart
I am so proud of her
Today is a day I am experiencing with mixed emotions
I see how my adorable little girl has grown into a remarkable young woman
and it brings me great pride
It also presses against my mothers heart to realize how quickly time is passing
and how much less she needs me and I am needed in her life
All too soon she will be wanting to start a family of her own, but I am at peace
knowing she is a wonderful person and has a bright future ahead of her
As hard as life has been and as difficult of experiences as we have had to endure
she is so strong and is grounded in her faith which guides all of her decisions
and for that I am comforted...Sweet 16, how can it possibly be?

Happy Birthday!

Today my oldest son is 12
It seems so hard to believe...
Time keeps moving faster the older my kids get
Caleb is an amazing young man
He is kind, considerate, friendly, and thoughtful
He is hard working, very talented, an amazing singer
and when he gives life his best, he proves excellence...
I am proud of this young man and all that he accomplishes...
I look forward to many birthdays ahead and celebrating life!