seems like forever

since I called you mine
you are a perfect creation intertwined in my life
I have an emptiness inside
that cannot be filled
my heart has a piece missing
my grief is so intense
my pain is raw
but on the outside
 you cannot see the pain I carry within
acting like "I'm fine"
has become a part of my everyday coping skills
yet on the inside I am falling apart
How do you adjust?
How do you let go and just be?

ache

buried within 
nothing eases the pain 
nowhere to turn 
so intense it takes my breathe away 
my new normal

Life has an interesting way

of unfolding
the circle of life and death
with an end comes a beginning
and through each beginning there is bound to be an end...

Happy Birthday!

Today, Shaye is 9
it is hard to believe how fast time seems to have gone
I can hardly believe it has been nine years ago since your birth
and I take pride in watching you grow
I see you identify yourself through your personality
I love watching you help others...
it makes my heart skip a beat
your genuine personality is contagious
your smile melts my heart...
I am so lucky to call myself your mom
and I get to call you my daughter

I wish you many more years of happiness 
and a day full of wonder

2 months

how can it possibly be 2 months ago that I welcomed
another perfect creation into my life
and at the same time I think it seems like forever ago
that I met and began to say goodbye...
life changes so swiftly and through circumstances placed in my path
I am given great opportunities to grow and heal
God has opened and closed doors
and revealed to me His greatness
through buried pain, resentments, hurts and healing
As I say goodbye and close parts of my life I never wanted to confront
I sense a peace surrounding life and the next chapters
Many times I have wondered and questioned how things would work out
...looking back, I know I couldnt have planned it better
it has never made it easy...
but it has always made it right

today....the legalization of adoption in court

legally terminated my parental rights
but regardless what a piece of paper
a court document
or judge say
no one or any thing can ever legally terminate
the love I feel for this child
the dreams I hold for her future
my desire for her to have a gratifying life
my need to spend time with her
my ability to be a good role model and positive example
sharing with her the gift of all her siblings
the care and compassion that I will always hold
the special bond we will always share

one month ago

I met for the first time

  a beautiful child

that shared my DNA

...I touched her soft delicate skin

...I held her tender fingers

...I stroked her silky hair

...I kissed every inch of her body

...I imagined a lifetime of wonder and awe

...I gazed into her eyes

...I savored her newborn scent 

...I embraced a special bond as her birth mother

...I fell in love