The {unhappiness} I have so often chosen

has not been by choice 

but by survival

I am beginning to realize

that in order to survive

I had to  feel no feelings

I could not grow up {feeling happiness}

because I would have to feel all of 

the {unhappiness} too...

I could feel nothing

that is how I survived...

and I continued to live life like this into adulthood

marriage, children, a family, friends,

not really knowing how to feel the feelings I had

I want to begin to feel happy

I want to be some thing else

I want to make it different

I have that choice now AND

I have that power

I choose to feel all feelings,

good, bad, indifferent, positive, negative, hurtful, shameful, jealous, kind, unloving, rude, painful, strong, bitter, unhappy, sad, ecstatic, pleasant, sweet, angry, resentful, loving, and happy

yes especially happiness