Today...

I celebrate my 34th birthday...
It is just another day, not much different from any other
I thought about it...and wondered
when do birthdays become just another day?
at what point in one's life is a birthday just another ordinary day

Even though it was a day like any other 
I was once again reminded that I have an amazing family
that supports and encourages me 
and a great group of friends

Happy Birthday!

today is my youngest daughters 7th  birthday
I feel so privileged to get the opportunity to watch her grow
it is amazing to see the similarities and differences between each of my kids

Ella is a sweet, kind, gentle, motherly, girly-girl
she is all about fashion, LOVES babies, is a good helper and works extra hard at 1st grade this year
she says the silliest things and makes everyone smile

I wish you a very happy birthday and many more to come

Facing life

through those
who have shaped
the person we have become
and finding a new normal
to make it possible to be
around them
placing guards up
and learning how to protect oneself
is not an easy task

so much to say

...so

few

words

 to

accurately

express

it...

I had

all of these big plans to get caught up on life over Christmas break
blog, clean, blog, bake, travel, think...
I don't know why I do that
because it never works out
I have spent the last three weeks
{sick}
ever since I took finals
I have barely had enough energy just to keep my kids fed
and put some effort into the Christmas holiday
then I was feeling a little better and we traveled to SD for Christmas
and I spent the majority of the time there, sick in bed
my kids have all had "it" as well

I cannot wait to feel good again
I realized that I definately take it for granted when I feel good
becuase you just don't realize how good you feel
until you feel bad for an extended period of time

Happy Birthday!

Today my youngest celebrates his 4th birthday...
I don't know where the time goes
It doesn't seem possible that he is already 4 years old
and turning into a little boy
He is fiesty, strong willed, and determined
He can be sweet and difficult all at the same time
He definately tests his limits and can make us all crack up laughing
I wish You a very wonderful day and look forward to another year with you!

how convenient it is

to be so busy
that I do not possibly have time to think
about the decision I am making
to have an open adoption

I feel this part of me
press against my insides
and lovingly kick and jab
and I wonder
how on earth
I can detach from a piece of me

how can I possibly make a choice like that?

my heart is heavy and sad
it has been confirmed that I am carrying a baby girl
a precious daughter
to adorn in pink
I seemed to have a special connection with each of my daughters
and I always longed to have just one more
and to have that just one more
be a baby girl

why this
why now

early on
I was confident
I thought this won't be easy, but I can do it
I am beginning to doubt myself
my abilities
my intuitions

I have a few short 14 weeks left
and I savor the moments I will share with this child

honestly...I don't know if I can
be a mom again
or if I can give the most priceless gift anyone could give
...part of them self