how convenient it is

to be so busy
that I do not possibly have time to think
about the decision I am making
to have an open adoption

I feel this part of me
press against my insides
and lovingly kick and jab
and I wonder
how on earth
I can detach from a piece of me

how can I possibly make a choice like that?

my heart is heavy and sad
it has been confirmed that I am carrying a baby girl
a precious daughter
to adorn in pink
I seemed to have a special connection with each of my daughters
and I always longed to have just one more
and to have that just one more
be a baby girl

why this
why now

early on
I was confident
I thought this won't be easy, but I can do it
I am beginning to doubt myself
my abilities
my intuitions

I have a few short 14 weeks left
and I savor the moments I will share with this child

honestly...I don't know if I can
be a mom again
or if I can give the most priceless gift anyone could give
...part of them self