Facing life

through those
who have shaped
the person we have become
and finding a new normal
to make it possible to be
around them
placing guards up
and learning how to protect oneself
is not an easy task

so much to say

...so

few

words

 to

accurately

express

it...

I had

all of these big plans to get caught up on life over Christmas break
blog, clean, blog, bake, travel, think...
I don't know why I do that
because it never works out
I have spent the last three weeks
{sick}
ever since I took finals
I have barely had enough energy just to keep my kids fed
and put some effort into the Christmas holiday
then I was feeling a little better and we traveled to SD for Christmas
and I spent the majority of the time there, sick in bed
my kids have all had "it" as well

I cannot wait to feel good again
I realized that I definately take it for granted when I feel good
becuase you just don't realize how good you feel
until you feel bad for an extended period of time

Happy Birthday!

Today my youngest celebrates his 4th birthday...
I don't know where the time goes
It doesn't seem possible that he is already 4 years old
and turning into a little boy
He is fiesty, strong willed, and determined
He can be sweet and difficult all at the same time
He definately tests his limits and can make us all crack up laughing
I wish You a very wonderful day and look forward to another year with you!

how convenient it is

to be so busy
that I do not possibly have time to think
about the decision I am making
to have an open adoption

I feel this part of me
press against my insides
and lovingly kick and jab
and I wonder
how on earth
I can detach from a piece of me

how can I possibly make a choice like that?

my heart is heavy and sad
it has been confirmed that I am carrying a baby girl
a precious daughter
to adorn in pink
I seemed to have a special connection with each of my daughters
and I always longed to have just one more
and to have that just one more
be a baby girl

why this
why now

early on
I was confident
I thought this won't be easy, but I can do it
I am beginning to doubt myself
my abilities
my intuitions

I have a few short 14 weeks left
and I savor the moments I will share with this child

honestly...I don't know if I can
be a mom again
or if I can give the most priceless gift anyone could give
...part of them self

what IF's

{what if}

i make the wrong decision

i pick selfishly

i don't think about every possibility

i don't know for sure

i am unable to follow through

i wait until last minute

i make the wrong decision

i regret it

{WHAT IF}

desicions

too difficult to process
questions unable to ponder
waiting for answers
unsure of facts
hardest life changing possibilities
ache for the future
unsure of positive decisions