Happy Birthday!

Today my youngest celebrates his 4th birthday...
I don't know where the time goes
It doesn't seem possible that he is already 4 years old
and turning into a little boy
He is fiesty, strong willed, and determined
He can be sweet and difficult all at the same time
He definately tests his limits and can make us all crack up laughing
I wish You a very wonderful day and look forward to another year with you!

how convenient it is

to be so busy
that I do not possibly have time to think
about the decision I am making
to have an open adoption

I feel this part of me
press against my insides
and lovingly kick and jab
and I wonder
how on earth
I can detach from a piece of me

how can I possibly make a choice like that?

my heart is heavy and sad
it has been confirmed that I am carrying a baby girl
a precious daughter
to adorn in pink
I seemed to have a special connection with each of my daughters
and I always longed to have just one more
and to have that just one more
be a baby girl

why this
why now

early on
I was confident
I thought this won't be easy, but I can do it
I am beginning to doubt myself
my abilities
my intuitions

I have a few short 14 weeks left
and I savor the moments I will share with this child

honestly...I don't know if I can
be a mom again
or if I can give the most priceless gift anyone could give
...part of them self

what IF's

{what if}

i make the wrong decision

i pick selfishly

i don't think about every possibility

i don't know for sure

i am unable to follow through

i wait until last minute

i make the wrong decision

i regret it

{WHAT IF}

desicions

too difficult to process
questions unable to ponder
waiting for answers
unsure of facts
hardest life changing possibilities
ache for the future
unsure of positive decisions

life

can be crazy hard 
and wonderfully rewarding all at the same time...

I am so busy right now that I don't know if I am coming or going...
I am only working 20-25 hours a week now, but I am taking 18 credits at school
I have found this to be an extremely time consuming task

For selfish reasons, I am thrilled we do not have any extra-curricular activities again until next spring 
...just finished 2 in gymnastics, 1 cross country, 1 volleyball, and 1 basketball...

due to homework, end of sessions, AND a broken thumb with a cast up to the elbow...
we have no winter activities...and I do not feel sad about this at ALL

It doesn't seem like I can ever get caught up on my sleep...between stress...homework...and pregnancy...I never feel like I can get enough

I can see the end in sight with only three semesters of school left, I feel so confident that I can do this...
I know I can and I know I will

Happy Birthday!

I wish my beautiful, wonderful, younger, grayer sister a happy birthday today!

She is an amazing person and a wonderful mother.
She deserves all the best life has to offer...

Happy Birthday!

My oldest daughter is 15 today
that is really hard to believe...
even harder to believe that she is as tall as me
and almost passing me up...

she is a beautiful, kind, and talented person
she values her faith 
she is very responsible
she doesn't complain often
and helps others whenever she can

I am very lucky to call her my daughter
and look forward to another year celebrating her life

Happy Birthday!

today my oldest son turns 11
hard to believe how fast time flies
he is a very kind  and caring person
he has a big heart and knows how to help others
he likes to laugh and joke around
he is extremely talented and very intelligent

I wish you another  wonderful year
full of everything that is good

To whom it may concern:

My life has led me down a path of twists and turns.
Many journeys unexpected.  Too many obstacles to count.
But yet I can look at my life and be grateful for the path it has taken.
I am confident the travels I make were intended for me.
I believe I was given the strength to endure every obstacle.

I am a single mother of seven children.  That in itself takes a lot of time and energy.
It is not what I had planned, but it is where my life has led me.
I am taking 18 credits to finish my education in 3 more semesters
and working 20-25 hours per week.
Due to unfortunate circumstances, I am carrying a child,
that I will get to cherish for nine short months, and bless another family...
this is one of the most selfless gifts I could possibly give...

My past is one best to be forgotten, but it is what has shaped me into the
strong, capable, confident woman I have become.
Trials, sickness, pain and suffering have all been huge aspects in my life but I
am willing to see the brighter side of things and realize that everything
in my life has a predestined purpose and a proposed plan.

Sometimes, I even lay awake at night and wonder what the future has in store for me.
It would definitely be extremely easy to worry and fear what is to come,
but instead I let it go and believe that something great is waiting for me...
maybe not in this life but in the next.

after a long moment of thought

my 3 year old says to me...
"Mommy, why does that papa have a big WAD of hair on his face?"
{this was a white 'Santa looking' beard}

...{thinking}...

about all the things I want to say
what I should and shouldn't say
how I should say them
and how it will impact my life

you have

negatively impacted
and shaped so many areas of my life
that I should feel hatred and anger and resentment toward you
I could blame you for many situations in my life
affecting the life I have had to live 
but through my strength and healing 
I choose to take back my life
I will not be a victim
I have had to deal with a lot of situations
that granted probably stem from your abuse
but I will not be a victim of your choices
I am a survivor who will overcome
your weakness

I have

so many difficult questions
existing without answers
not sure where to turn
or how to survive amidst
the turmoil and chaos
placed in my life

just another stepping stone
to conquer
and I am confident I will be successful
it is just about the process of
getting there

school begins

I cannot believe it is that time of year again
where has the summer gone?

I experience back to school with mixed emotions
pride in my children and their accomplishments to date
sadness knowing they are growing up and I have fewer and fewer years with them as my babies
joy based on their ability to excel and master new things
awe in the amazing people they are becoming
happiness for the new talents and skills they will acquire
satisfaction believing I am not doing so bad

Happy Birthday!

Today my 2nd youngest celebrates his 5th Birthday
He is such a smart handsome kind young man
I enjoy watching his personality develop
He has an immense yearning to learn new things
He is happy-spirited and loves to help out
It is such a joy to watch him grow and change
I wish him a happy birthday and another year of joy!

Faced with

the reality of
9 months of

shame and regret

fear and resentment

judgement and stares

from others
or a lifetime of
shame and regret

fear and resentment

judgement and stares

from myself

I am existing

outside of myself

I feel as though I am just  

going through the motions of life

watching myself make decisions

but not understanding the reasons

searching for

answers
not there to find
no rhyme or reason
to this confusion inside
You warned me
and stepped back
letting me choose for myself
waiting
and ready
to help pick up the pieces
made by my mess

Happy Birthday!

Today {my mom} celebrates her birthday
each year I am more appreciative
of the wonderful, unique, compassionate person she is

I wish her a very happy day
and many more to come

It was another party

 celebrating a 12th birthday

 we went to the mall to go shopping

 with a couple friends

 we opened presents

 and ate cookie cake

 AND

 got the birthday girls ears double pierced

 we all had a lot of fun on our girls shopping spree

and there were lots of smiles all around

"Mom Mom....

...your boobs are like my eyes?!?"

{famous quote by my 4 year old while picking my bra up out of the clean laundry}

Life is continuing to be an uphill climb

so many situations I cannot control

too many circumstances I cannot change

a ton of negatives to weigh heavily on the positives

I am realizing

as long as I keep climbing

there has to be a peak at some point

{RIGHT?}

Summer fun...

 at

 {the}

ZOO

I Love my life

regardless of how much crap I have piled up
I do Love. My. Life
I have been so abundantly blessed
my life could be so much harder
I see so much good
I have so much going right
I look forward to what the future has instore
sometimes I just get giddy inside
when I think about the beautiful life I am creating
existing through all the shit
and making the best of it
Life has given me many lessons and opportunities
and for that I am grateful

your actions

shattered me within
I try to piece areas together
I pursue a change
I give all of myself away
I expect perfection
I ask for little
broken areas
impossible of patching
living shattered
is my normal
I want to live above
my normal
I am grasping 
a new reality
I am defining me

Your

Unconditional 

Super-natural

Healing

Soothing

Love...

{is needed right now}

pieces

crumbling apart
left heavy hearted
with an unbearable ache
loss takes a toll 
and claims areas of the heart
that will only exist broken
physical emotions carried within
immerse when least expected
my body aches
my mind is empty 
and my heart is heavy
...loss
dealing with loss
no words can describe it...

Gotta love parties

 at Chuck E Cheese

 Ella celebrated her 6th birthday

 it was a "zoo"

 luckily she only invited 3 friends {+ my 7}

 they had a good time and didn't notice the craziness

...I was glad when it was over

love celebrating birthdays,

but not in that environment

I confine

my heart

ever so fiercely

guarding every move

waiting

hoping

expecting

afraid to ask for more

giving it away all too quickly

retracting it all too late

Summer...

is almost here

excitement

sadness

changes

air conditioner

pool

work

night class

activity

Life

I am having a hard time
keeping up with life
it seems to be passing me by
and I do not have a moment to breathe
I feel like at times I am suffocating
I see glimpses of beauty 
and have so little time to admire them
I have wonderful and amazing things
going on all around me and far too little time
to cherish them
I am stressed to the max and it consumes
what little spare time I have
Finals approaching... not enough time to study
if only I had more time...
then I would find things to fill it up
and still need more time yet

Happy Birthday

Today my
middle child,  
4th born,  
3rd daughter,
turns 8...
She is full of love and smiles
she has a lot of energy
and loves to keep score
she cares deeply for others
and has big feelings

I am so proud to watch the
improvements she is making
and see her blossom into a
talented young lady

I love you so much and
wish you a very Happy Birthday!

what happens when

you are struggling
and trying
and giving it your all...
and still
it
is 
not
enough?

I am learning

very slowly 
how to redefine me
my dreams
my experiences
my ideas
what is important to me

at a very young age
I was forced to believe
that I was responsible 
for everyone elses

feelings

pain

circumstances

situation

anger

frustrations
happpiness

it is the most difficult 
thing I have ever had to do 
try to relearn
that I am not responsible for you
I am responsible for my

feelings

pain 

circumstances

situation

anger

frustrations
happpiness 

How do you

move on in life

when all of your hopes and dreams 

seem to be deflated

everything you have tried and desired to become

has been dashed

not in a moment 

but in a lifetime...

It was a 3rd Birthday...

I love celebrating birthdays
I love even more
being able to make each one of my children
feel extra special 
on that one day of the year
the day they came into the world
what a better day to celebrate {you}

well my baby... {youngest}turned 3

He had a CARS party.

He is all boy

He keeps me on my toes

 He is full of love

He has one big personality

and no problem making everyone laugh

He is a special part of my life

and I fondly cherish each year I get to make birthday memories

Yesterday

I got a call about 9:00 am
at work and said I needed to come get Keegan
he fell and hit the door frame
and split his forehead open...
okay, I will come get him,
no he needs stitches...
I take him to the E.R.
sit there for 3 hours
got {hospital superglue} instead of stitches
less of a scar 
holds better
on and on...
OKAY whatever you say
45 minutes after leaving the ER
we went back because it was
already broke open and bleeding like crazy
they decided to superglue it again?
put it inside this time
a bigger area on top
but if it happens again...
we will have to just do stitches...
SMILE?

sooooo...

I am getting ready
for two big events
Confirmation on Wednesday {today}
and
First Communion on Saturday
there will be 15 people in my home
for 5 days
not only does that create extra laundry 
and

additional chores

we have strep throat
and
pink eye again
let me just say
I am not surprised
we are also still trying to get
over this viral cold we have had
for about 3 weeks
anyway
it will be such a nice

change

to have family around
I am really looking forward to it

simplicity in

the simplest form
is all I ask for
nothing less 
nothing more

show me your

 {muscles}

 look how

 strong

you are

{princess stickers and all}

I am struggling

most
with speaking

kindly 

and

lovingly

to those
I love
most
I
could
make
excuse after excuse
about
all the

reasons

I am

stressed

and lose
my patience
but it
still doesn't make 
it acceptable
I
wish
there
was
an easy fix...

It doesn't seem

like very long ago
when my family consisted
of only
you...

 and then I
welcomed another
it was so exciting to
have another baby,
a little sister in
the home...

then I found out
I was having a
boy,
what a nice addition
to two sisters...

#4 was so exciting
the first "timing" I actually
planned,
thought for sure she
was going to be another
boy,
but I was wrong...

then another sweet little
sister to make the home
unevenly matched, things
were starting to get a
little busier...

luckily, I finally had
another boy, to even
out the odds, he was a
nice addition,
and kept me from
sitting around now...

and surprise, surprise,
last but not least
I was having another baby
another boy,
things definitely
are not slowing down now...

and still today, I look at each of them

and think back to where I was

and where I am

what it took to get here...

it definitely has not been easy

but it definitely has been worth it

and I would do it all 

over

again!

Happy Easter!

holidays come and go
just like any other day

i feel like i lost the joy
the celebration along the way

i feel stuck in the mundane
of getting through each minute

each task i am presented
i am challenged to win it

i want to get the joy back
and cherish these precious years

they will be gone before I know it
these moments with my {little dears}

a fine line

between allowing others to define me

and not allowing others definitions of me, become me

I am slowly learning to take what others say

use what I need

tweak adjust reconfigure...just a little

but not lose myself in the process

I am looking into me a lot 

I have spent too much time 

criticizing, critiquing and degrading me

I am challenged to take a look into myself

due to others response or reaction

but it doesn't define me anymore

unconditional love

there is One 

Who doesn't hesitate

to take my pain and suffering

Loves me no matter what

in my weakness as well as my strength

He will see me through

thick and thin

and will always pick me 

back up again

I am searching for answers

...I want You to give

peace ...I wish You would bring

happiness ...I want to experience

pain ...I want You to erase

Life continues on

through pain

trials

hardship

disappointments

happiness

frustrations

loss

excitement

ectasy

pain 

sorrow

love
 and lack there of

giving pieces of myself

selflessly away
has left me empty
and alone
I need to recharge 
directly from the Source
I know where to find it
but I seem to avoid it
fear of the unknown
reality of what might be
ability to be lost
opportunity to change

I am still here

trying to keep my head above water...
I really miss this outlet
I need to get back into tapping into it more regularly
it just seems like there is not enough time in my day to get everything
done I want to accomplish
I am slowly learning that when I tackle
one wave at a time instead of
trying to conquer the ocean
life doesn't seem quite so overwhelming
regardless of how fast you are kicking and paddling underneath
I can manage to defeat each task at hand

Happy Birthday!

Today is my second daughter's birthday.

she is 12 today.
she is growing up way too fast and is turning into a beautiful young lady.
she has so much potential in life.
she has a personable demeanor and enjoys life
she strives to do her best and works hard to be her best
she looks out for others

I wish her another year of happiness
and I look forward to watching her continue to mature into
a young lady!

I do

who gently nudges me at 5am and 

tells me it's time to get up for work...

{I do}

who makes the bed each morning

and tucks the kids in each night...

{I do}  

who makes sure the bills are paid on time and 

budgets every penny...

{I do} 

who does the grocery shopping and 

cooks all the meals...

{I do}  

who cleans the house and 

stays up late to finish the laundry...

{I do} 

who also gets up early to go to work and

stays up past bedtime to study...

{I do}  

who has to be responsible for their faith formation and

church attendance each week...

{I do} 

who gets to spend the good times and

deal with the bad times...

{I do}  

who gets to give privileges along with responsibility and 

take away privileges and assign extra chores...

{I do} 

who has to tend to lawn care and

take care of the vehicle maintenance...

{I do}  

who reminds me of doctors appointments and 

crazy school schedules due to sports and extra-curricular activities...

{I do}  

who gets to celebrate birthdays and holidays and

plan special activities and parties...

{I do} 

who gets to look back on their life and know they did a good job and 

did their best to be someone better...

{I do} 

why do I

allow
my heart to be pulled 
from my chest
with no guard
or protection
I hand it over so gently
wanting it to be handled
delicately...
cherished
when before
I know it
it has been swiftly jerked
away from

used and abused

and taken for granted
I am getting really frustrated 
with this whole situation
I need to build some walls
some barriers
some protection 
around my
heart

parallel lives

exist along side each other
deal with loss and pain
while other experiences joy and elation

experience elation and joy
while the other deals with pain and loss

we say goodbye together
and move on to a reality
we never fathomed could exist

it is hard
it is painful
it is reasonable
it is possible 
to exist
living these parallel lives
helping each other
when it's least expected
and accepting help 
when it greatly appreciated

I am in a funk

{missed blogging}
I am screaming
seriously?
You have got to be kidding?!?
This IS a joke, right?

Nope it's not a joke...
when life sucks, it continues to keep on sucking and my motto is
keep making the best of a SUCKY life - these days...

We finally completed everyone's round of the chicken pox
the kids were all back in school and daycare for one day
then the youngest had a high temp
he had pneumonia
out for four days
they went back to daycare for one more day
and came home with the flu
out for three days
they went back to daycare again for one more day
and now the other one has the flu...
home today
ran to get some 7up and crackers
and I get picked up
I get a ticket
did not have current proof of insurance...BLAH BLAH BLAH

I am on day four of a horrible headache
I don't know if I am coming or going

this IS my LIFE...gotta love it

Today

my parents celebrate their anniversary....

I appreciate their committment to each other
their years of sacrifice to make their marriage work
the positive example they portrayed of love
and their ability to give themselves away...

I wish them many more years together!

emotions buried alive

continuing to suppress

until learning a new way feeling exposing wanting to express

then told to not let emotions show for real
in and out of reality with which emotions should one deal

how about picking which one to feel today

and deciding the others must simply go away

how is that possible how is that sain
trying to learn how to deal and told feelings appear vain

taking baby steps of how the world expects it to be

then backslide and shift because of what they might see

It is okay

I tell myself
to give a pat upon my back
and appreciate simplicity 

value beauty

to expect courtesy
to depend on some assistance

cry when sad

and not be perfect
to let some things go
and try harder after failing
to love myself
and like taking care of me

the positive

just seems to 

reproduce

the more I 

am willing

to 

focus on

it

I am focused

on the twinkles of light

shining through the cracks

they do not shine very bright

but the longer I focus 

the more clear they become...

journeys pace

keeps me at a distance
from that far off end in sight
I keep striving and struggling
to do everything that's right
to find out I end up
right where I left off
I'm gonna keep myself on track
the journey without a cost

I miss

tender love

nonexistent

powerfull

fulfilling

passionate

I would do anything for you

you mean the world to me

you are everything to me

I am so into you

I cannot forget you

simple

pure

love

mesmerized by your words

a phenomenon beyond reality

too difficult to understand

inability to comprehend

insecure

needing self-esteem

wanting more

grasping 

searching
realizing

just when I thought You weren't listening

you graced me with a sign

forcing me outside my comfort zone

I acted like life was fine

when not wanting to face reality

{fine} is a comfortable place to exist

pressures mounting from within

I was feeling annoyed... anxious... even pissed...

Your love came shining through

just when I needed to let it burst

You calmed my fears and comforted me

in ways I could have never rehearsed

a lot of nothing

I am trying to decide which college I should go to in the fall
I thought I had decided but then another opportunity fell into my lap

I am working 5 days a week 

I am going to school 2 days

and attending one night class

difficult life issues to deal with
keeps the stress level at a max

volunteer with an foster care/adoption agency

I will surely appreciate my life where it is

tackling the wretched task of managing a team and work

and fulfilling the responsibility of holding them accountable

seven wonderful reminders of what I am living for

that I get to spend far too little time with

just when i thought

life could be looking up

i head right back down

i have a lot going that is good

and i am trying really hard to focus on it

but life can really get the best of you if you let it

some days i don't know what is up or down

today

I celebrate my 33rd birthday
a lot of big changes in my life
I realized a long time ago that birthdays are just another day
nothing overly special about them
but this year I am choosing to make this day special

nothing out of the ordinary

I am not going out of my way
but just realizing that this day is a special day
because it celebrates me and my life
and I am learning that I am special
and worth being celebrated
and it starts with me

I have been off work

for 2 weeks now
today is my first day back
all but one of my kids have had the chicken pox
they have been out of school for three weeks now
it has made life rather interesting
I never thought in a million years that
I would be one who would be glad to go back to work
but it is true
I am happy to be back to work in my new life routine

end

to a new beginning...
benchmarks
creating new realities
that can change perspectives
that can influence opinions
causing sadness
loss
emptiness
loneliness...

Happy Birthday!

to my sweet Ella-Bella-Bella-Boo!
today she is {6}
she is growing up so fast
i am so proud of the progress she is making this year
watching her learn new things makes my heart swell
she has big feelings
she is so kind and loving
she loves babies and animals
she wants to live with me forever and ever
i am blest to be her mother
and i wish her another wonderful year of everything that is good

Happy Birthday Ella-Bella-Bella-Boo,
always remember "I Love You"

today

i will keep my head above water

i will speak lovingly

i will smile

i will help another

i will look for the good in others

i will focus on the positive

i will savor moments

i will laugh with my children
i will make the best of it

today is my first day

back to class

I am taking 3 classes on campus this semester

it could prove to be a long 16 weeks

still working full time

and having kids to tend to

adding their sports on top

and then studying their homework and mine

oh yeah and I need to sleep...

I am going to continue to make the best of it

because I know for certain that 

it is all going to be worth it...

sooner than later!

picking up the pieces

is an exhausting job
i am furious about having to clean up the messes
that your choices have left behind
the majority of my life has been spent
tidying up the leftovers of another
and i am effeted
i am tired of {doing the dirty work}
i am ready to just start living a normal life
with the day to day daily grind
with the simple pleasures
and the awkward set backs
not having to deal with these 
mind blowing 
life changing 
attitude altering
circumstances

we have the...

chicken pox

{go figure}

two have already had them

hoping four more get them quickly...

you

are

one

BLEEP

bleep

bleep

BleeP

BLeep

BLeEp

blEeP

bleep BLEEP...

if I were a hateful person

i would want to kill you right now
if i were an envious person
i would make you hurt more than i do
if i was a person who kept score
i would be getting even
if i reacted to the worlds standards
you would be a hurting unit
if i let my anger control my actions
you would be in jail right now
if i was a just person
i would try to forgive you
if i would see you as another human
i could learn to accept your behavior but not excuse it
if i let your pain consume me
it would destroy my life...

break down the walls

that solidify my heart
and consume me with enduring patience
take the strength that I carry to prove it to myself
and help me to accept graciously
distract negative thoughts that evolve from my mind to tongue
and allow me to set proper boundaries
remove anger, resentment, hatred and fear
replace with a calmness that can be shared
help me to let go of the choices other have inflicted on my life
give me understanding when I feel like putting up a fight
 let me exemplify the purest sweetest love I can give
my blessings and rewards simply are so obvious