Happy

Halloween!

 

 {that is one BAD school picture}

 

check out the witch's mole hair

 

 "Can I help you find something?"

 

It's Pippy-Long-Stocking

 none other than a fairy

 

 oohh scary - a mummy

 and last but not least, BATMAN

Memories

seem to slip through the cracks

positive 

negative

happy 

sad 

neutral 

inbetween

the only memories left to exist
are the ones i choose to hold on to

Happy Birthday!

Today Caleb is celebrating 

DOUBLE DIGITS!

{#10}

He is growing into a young man 

He is very helpful, kind and loving

I can't believe how he is growing up before my eyes

I miss the little boy he used to be

but I look forward to watching him change and grow 

into an intelligent, considerate, and compassionate young man!

Life

i don't know where to turn
where to go
or how to get there
i am just barely hanging on
by the very tip of the thread
i feel overwhelmed
frustrated
exhausted
with no end in sight
i am trying really hard to see the positive
but it is very difficult
amidst all the negative
i do see it
i know it's there
i just wish it could all get a little easier
or i could get a minimal break...

it isn't getting any easier

but it is easier to keep doing what I have to be doing
because
i have 7 of the most precious motivators you could ever ask for

situations really suck
i have so many mixed feelings
circling around inside of me

but it is so true
it is only as bad as you make it

I am slowly getting

the answers
to every question
I have asked
not always the way I want
but I trust 
these are the right answers
and if not 

I will 

keep asking 
the same question again
until 
I get a different answer

I have been thinking about

how many lemons life has been giving me...


but, I am still making some pretty damn good lemonade...

I keep trudging

through this knee high pile of #@%$

i sometimes question what i have done wrong

it just doesn't seem like

i deserve to be trudging through such high piles

and they never end

they just seem to get deeper

i gotta believe there is a purpose

i know there is a better way

i have faith that i will get through

and i will be stronger because of it

{it's just the trudging through that is so difficult}

i feel like

i have cheated myself
my chest aches
my stomach flips
i feel queasy
i feel empty
how many missed opportunities
how many innocent faces
how many moments
slipped by
and i let pass
without realizing how much i would miss
i have spent so much time and energy
trying to make it all right 
trying to be all right
and i let each and every cherished second slip by
i must let go of those regrets
i do have the opportunity to cherish each and every moment today
that is all i have
i am not guaranteed tomorrow
so i ask myself 
how many precious seconds am i letting slip by
in this very moment
and how do i savor each of them so they will last

where I thought I would be

and 

where

I

am...

{a reality of parallel oxymoron's}

I have always given myself away selflessly

others do not have to earn me

I hand myself over freely

I will do anything for another

I have immeasurable compassion

I put myself out to benefit others

I place myself at the bottom of the list

...slowly I am realizing I cannot give myself away anymore

I need to allow others to {earn} bits of me

I am the one who falls hard

by giving myself so freely

it is okay to help others out

but it doesn't have to be at my expense

it is a unique gift to have genuine compassion

but I don't have to put others needs or desires ahead of my own

I need to treat myself with the same selfless immeasurable compassion

that I am so willing to give freely to others

life

shouldn't be this darn hard

it sure shouldn't be so stressful

i shouldn't have to be consumed by guilt

i hate having to do it all

i despise the lack of time i get to spend with my kids

i dread getting up for work every day

i am sick of staying up late and studying

i feel like i am missing out on so much

...but have little to give

I asked You for a sign

to give me some guidance and direction,

i don't know why i keep struggling
to learn these life lessons


You came through again for me
as You always seem to do,

i don't know why i doubt
or forget about trustin' You

Priorities

are not always at the top of the list...

...the things I need to do
and the things I want to do...

...the things I have to do
and the things I get to do...

...the things I should do
and the things I shouldn't do...

all pose conflicts of interest
forcing me to focus on my priorities

I keep reminding myself

that 

it

is

okay

to

focus

on 

what

is

in

my

best 

interest...

i have spent so much of my life focused 

on other peoples best interest

that this feels very foreign and selfish to me

i want to let

all my interior feelings
gone unexpressed
expose themselves