I have to say,

that I am a little sad that my one year commitment  {to myself}
of blogging everyday for one year is almost over
it has been such a release for me to put words down
not to go into details and have to critique every situation
but to just {vent} and get it out
I am amazed to look back over my last year of posts and see how 
much growth I have attained

I started my blog

almost 1 year ago
to have a place to get thoughts out of my head
give them a new perspective when on paper
show me other ways to deal with a problem and focus on a solution

{cupCAKE} anyone?!?

 Happy

7th

Birthday...

it

was

a

{sweet}

day!

{cupCAKE style}

pieces

...grandparent...skillet...pain...intent...abuse...callused...

intentional...breaking point...reality...my life...unforgettable...

the Webster's Dictionary defines each of these words as stated below:

grandparent-  a parent of ones mother or father
skillet-  a frying pan
pain-  punishment, suffering or distress of body or mind
intent-  the state of mind with which an act is done
abuse-  a corrupt practice, to mistreat
calloused-  feeling no emotion or sympathy
intentional-  a determination to act in a certain way
breaking point-  an act of breaking
reality-  the totality of real things and events
my life-  the physical and mental experiences of an individual
unforgettable-  incapable of being forgotten


each of these pieces of my life have collaborated my past in prediction of my future...it has taken immense strength to overcome these pieces that have become parts of my whole...i have learned that it doesn't matter what kind of {pieces} my past has to offer, but that it is up to me to take each of those pieces, individually, embrace them, and use them to make a whole...i have spent many years on perfecting this, it is not perfect, i don't expect it ever will be, but i have definitely improved leaps and bounds by being able to love the whole that is...{ME}

I am counting down...

only

12

more

days

and 

I 

have

been 

blogging

for

one {1} year...

Little one, I know you're near

it makes me smile, 
knowing reminders of you will show up when I least expect it,

in ways I could have never possibly imagined...

Today, is the day I was scheduled to give you birth,

ohh, how you would have changed my life,

and my, how you HAVE  already impacted my life.

As your mother, I will always ache for your loss,

but I am at peace with the bigger plans

all things of which I do not understand

but give me the strength to live in the moment. 

...for your life, I am eternally grateful,

I wish it could have lasted longer,

I wish I could be holding you right now,

savoring every last inch of you,

I wish, and I wish,

and sometimes, I lay awake at night,

wondering,

what might you have looked like,

were you are a boy or girl,

how much hair would you have,

or would you have been a good sleeper,

all things I will never get to know the answer to,

but I would not change it,

do I miss you?  yes!

have I suffered a loss? of course!

would I change it? not for one second!

You are perfect, and your life was perfectly planned,

not by me,

but by Someone who knows much more than I will ever pretend to know.

...today, I choose to celebrate your life, as short as it was, and as miraculous as you are,

I celebrate you!

last day of the 2010 - 2011 school year

and it finishes with mixed emotions

I am so proud of each and everyone of my children
I love watching each of them grow and change and excel in their individual talents
I am thankful for the awesome education they receive
I am in awe of each of their faith life
I enjoy spending my life with them
I am reminded that the close of one year is one step closer to them {growing up}
I appreciate the dedication of all of their teachers

...next year I will be sending 5 of 7 off to school...
8th, 6th, 4th, 2nd, and Kindergarten...
where does the time go?
It seems like it was just last week that I was posting about them
starting another school year...
and life goes on,
I have learned it doesn't skip a beat,
so I better enjoy it 
and not miss a single opportunity because it will be
gone before I know it!

...today is my first day off!

I have worked 6 days in a row...
WELCOME to the real world, right!

I am appreciating my life and the simple things
so much more now
I have always loved spending time with my kids
but now, I just devour it, like it is the last taste I will ever get

My heart is beating so heavily right now
my days often seem robbed and unfair

I do not allow this to be my focus
I breathe
I breathe deep...
and I am
thankful for everything I have been blessed with

...my life is overflowing with goodness
and through the gray muck
I am settled
I am content
and
I am happy...{it is a choice}

Do i set {you} up for failure?!?

Have I set unrealistic expectations?
Do I expect {you} to do things the way I would?
Do I wish you could think the words I would say?
Have I forced a situation to suit me?
Do I perceive moods and attitudes as my fault?
Do I take on responsibility that is not mine?
Have I loved too little?
Have I cared too much?

what could be so interesting

that all 3 could be still for SO long...

after observing it for awhile

they got a little braver and moved closer, 

{even thought about touching it...}

this resulted in about 45 minutes of supervised entertainment

we now have a pet baby bird {wink-wink}

it lives somewhere outside

is oh soo cute

it has been named Jake...

it is the topic of every conversation lately,

we will probably never see him again,

but it was fun while it lasted! 

for right now

I am living in the moment
I am waiting 
I am breathing
I am letting go
I am analyzing
I am dealing
I am working
I am appreciating
I am okay

last night

 we got to get this...

we thought it was going to be up to her shoulder

but the doctor re-evaluated her x-rays and decided that her rotation would be limited enough with the short cast...{we are thankful}

it is a water cast, 
so she can swim with it on, and we don't have to be creative for bath time

we were also ok'ed today to just stick with the {shoe} as long as she wears it, does not bear weight on her foot, and is sure to use her crutches 

we will be adorning a cast, a splint, and crutches for about 4-6 weeks...

they both have a very high tolerance to pain, {that is a blessing and a curse}

...still, they are both smiling!

I am going to just keep laughing...

because if I don't...

I will start crying!

I got to sit at the E.R.{AGAIN} last night

because

my 11 year old has

{A BROKEN FOOT}

it really isn't funny...

but what else can I do?!?

Interesting way to play with trains...

or the track, I should say...

In a girls world

she would survive

and make high heels out of anything

...this could be the new style of platform shoes...

{maybe she will strike it rich?}

Yesterday...what can I say...

I have lots to say,
but most of it would be rambling...

It was my first day, at my store, I am not training anymore,
that is all I will say about that for now,
I got off work 45 minutes late,
{my team was still not done with today's work...}

I had a message from the radiologist.
Yep, you guessed it, my 7 year old's left arm IS broken,
SOOOooo we got to go to the E.R. again last night
to get a fiber glass splint,
and then a cast in a couple of days...


I am really truly honestly anxiously awaiting that
long over-due well deserved
BREAK

the pace doesn't ever slow down

let alone get any easier
and forget about having a break,

oh, that reminds me, a break,
we think our 7 year old has a hair line fracture of her left wrist,
she is wearing a splint for a couple days
and then will get another set of x-rays,
this is the same 7 year old that broke her right arm about 6 months ago,
yeah, what are the chances?

my 2 year old was up vomiting most of that night...I think it is a different bug than the other kids had...
I am hoping it doesn't go through all of them, wait and see...

and, of course, I had a migraine, just where I wanted to be
was at the E.R.

I just laughed, because if I'm not laughing...
I am probably going to start crying...

I am

done

with

my

first

2 

weeks

 of training...

now

I 

start

my job

{for real}

on

monday...

how good does it look

to miss work, the first two weeks, still while training, due to sick kids?!?

i don't know what the problem was

I had blogs to post
and they didn't post

good thing I checked
because I am still committed to blogging everyday for a year

{after that...we will see?}

How could you

{be} so...

...shallow

...inconsiderate

...heartless

...cruel

...unloving

...unforgettable

...indescribeable

...unpredictable

{how could you}

?

i am experiencing

physical pain
so debilitating
i have to shut down
and digest its magnitude
before it empowers my life

i will not let {it}

dictate my every action

i will not let {it}

decide my mood

i will not let {it}

infect my future

I need to deal

with my past
before it overtakes my future
it subtly strikes
then forges its ferocious head 
and drains every ounce of my capacity to function

Happy Birthday!

Today is my nephews birthday.
He holds a special place in my heart.
He is my sisters first born.
He was the first one to make me an aunt, he is also my godson.

He is a pretty cool kid!  My kids agree.
He has a brilliant smile.  He is a hard worker.
He is funny.  He is a good friend.
I got the privilege of babysitting him when he was younger...
I miss that.
He use to love to eat...probably still does.
He just makes the world a better place
and I love being part of his life and watching him grow!

Happy, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Happy Mothers Day...

to every woman who has ever been called {MOM}

My life right now is

one

big

jumbled

mess

of

tasks

without

enough

time 

to 

get 

them 

all

done...

I do have the choice to let this overwhelm me,

or just take a deep breathe, sigh, and take care of one piece of life at a time...

pain

     physical

          anguish masking

               intolerable realities with

                    nothing to relieve its toll

BUSY!

busy...Busy...BUSY...
busier than I have ever been
and it is only bound to bet BUSIER!

on the other side

completely different perspective
a new reality
appreciate simplicity
on the other side

silent cries

echo in the darkness
silent cries
floating around 
silent cries
longing to be heard
silent cries
painfully forgotten

{silly boy}

{keeps me entertained}

{big imagination}

{makes me laugh}

what will he think of next?

"I am goin' solo"...

are the words I heard out of my {then} 5 year old daughters mouth when I announced it was bath time.

I guess she had one too many baths with her siblings...