WOW! Ten months already...

it is really a bittersweet moment
to realize that you get to 
experience your first Christmas 
away from me
you are experiencing all of your firsts 
away from me
but the reality of Christmas and all of {baby's firsts}
remind me of what I am missing
I am missing you
and yes I have class and internship
and kids and life and a job
all to keep me occupied
but something is still missing...
this Christmas is especially hard for me

I made a bargain when I found out that I was pregnant
if you were a boy, that was my sign that I was suppose to place you for adoption
if you were a girl, that was my sign that I was suppose to keep you...
initially all the ultra-sounds indicated you were a boy,
that was my sign
until mid-October, I was completely surprised
you were actually a girl...
I was so busy with working 30+ hours each week, taking 18 credits at school,
and staying sane while raising seven kids
I was going to wait until Christmas break, when I would have some time to think
then I felt like I could process the situation and make the best decision for everyone involved
in reality, there is no good time to make a decision to place your child for adoption
it takes a lot of time and a lot of energy
I do not regret the decision I made
but making the right decision for myself and all of my children
has not been easy
something is missing...

Nine months...

i am constantly remembering exactly how i felt one year ago
i was making some of the toughest decisions in my life
i look back and see the puzzle pieces fit together nicely
this time of year, with holidays, and the memories from one year ago
are difficult
i somehow thought i would be "all better"
when in reality
{what is all better}
and i cannot put a time limit on grief
grief is the underlying emotion i am getting to experience
while existing along side the joy
nine months...how can it already be nine months?
nine months...how can nine months have passed by so quickly?

Happy Birthday!

Today my oldest daughter celebrates"Sweet 16" 
Mackenzie is so grown up
she is an amazing friend and such a good example to everyone around her
she does her best and has a huge heart
I am so proud of her
Today is a day I am experiencing with mixed emotions
I see how my adorable little girl has grown into a remarkable young woman
and it brings me great pride
It also presses against my mothers heart to realize how quickly time is passing
and how much less she needs me and I am needed in her life
All too soon she will be wanting to start a family of her own, but I am at peace
knowing she is a wonderful person and has a bright future ahead of her
As hard as life has been and as difficult of experiences as we have had to endure
she is so strong and is grounded in her faith which guides all of her decisions
and for that I am comforted...Sweet 16, how can it possibly be?

Happy Birthday!

Today my oldest son is 12
It seems so hard to believe...
Time keeps moving faster the older my kids get
Caleb is an amazing young man
He is kind, considerate, friendly, and thoughtful
He is hard working, very talented, an amazing singer
and when he gives life his best, he proves excellence...
I am proud of this young man and all that he accomplishes...
I look forward to many birthdays ahead and celebrating life!

Eight months...

have passed
an in-between stage for me
I am beginning to feel "okay" but the more
"okay" I feel,
the more it seems like I am trying to forget
like I am trying to say "I am okay" with this...
for so many reasons
I will never be completely okay
being okay feels like I am moving on,
or I have somehow forgotten
or I don't care anymore
I cannot completely wrap my brain around the feelings of my heart...
they are disconnected at best
I am so happy for the wonderful adoptive family that raises my daughter
but every time I see her,
I miss her so much and
I see how much I am missing
I see her cling to "her mom" and the bond they share,
I realize there are so many areas of her life I don't even know,
I don't get to put her to bed at night,
I don't experience the sweet coo's and late night feedings,
I don't know what her favorite toys are
or what keeps her entertained during the day,
I miss out on all of her firsts,
pieces of my heart crumble...
that could be me...that should be me...
I don't know if I will ever feel completely okay and
I am okay with that

being strong

in every area of my life

has proven great weakness

my strength has wore me down

and left me depleted

because...

i care so deeply....
i am able to let you go
...i wanted so much more
...i wanted so much better
something about moving past the 6 month mark
is really hard...
the reality that more than 1/2 of the first year of your life has passed
there are so many {moments} i cannot get out of my mind
minute details that present ever so clearly
moments that feel so real, they seem to be happening right now
i try not to dwell on these moments too often
because they will consume me
my life has provided me so much opportunity
to claim my truth
as hard
as difficult
as emotionally challenging
as it is
i am forever grateful that i was
given the opportunity to give life
to a precious child
that has taught me so much
about life and myself