Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to my oldest daughter...

where oh where has the time gone???

It is not possible that this little girl

running around with a cute little bob

is now seventeen

#17...it seems impossible

Mackenzie is a beautiful young woman

She is there for me when I need her

She has such a strong faith, many of her actions put me to shame

She works so hard and is very intelligent

She sets a positive example for those around her 

and is a good friend to everyone.

I am not going to focus on the little time I have left with her living in my home

but instead enjoying and taking advantage of the time I get to spend with her...

I love you...you were the first person to shape my existence as a mother

I will always cherish that special bond we share...

Happy Birthday!

to my oldest son

he is a teenager today

#13

I cannot believe I have three teenagers in the house

I don't know where the time has gone

Caleb is a kind and loving person

he is intelligent

and works hard when he sets his mind to something

Caleb is talented and has become an amazing singer

I am proud of Caleb

and couldn't imagine my life without him!

Katelyn...

I only want your life to be defined by a legacy of love and a witness of God's faithfulness...

once upon a time, not so long ago, there lived a mommy and a daddy who shared their life with one little princess.  The little princess brought them so much happiness and joy.  This mommy and daddy had experienced such a pure, unconditional love that they decided they would like to share their lives with another little prince or princess.  They prayed to God asking for another child to share their life with.  God placed a very special request on my heart.  He asked me to carry a baby in my tummy to share with this mommy and daddy.  A baby that I would get to spend nine months of pregnancy loving, nourishing and caring for.  I didn't know if I was strong enough.  I told God I wanted to keep you all for myself.  God couldn't guarantee me that it would be easy.  He knew this would make me really sad, but He did promise that my baby would be very special.  So very special that she would get to have two families to love her.  Both families prayed to God asking for guidance.  The day you came into the world was filled with emotions.  You were such a special gift.  I finally got to meet you for the first time and your new family did too.  Not every child gets to be born into the arms of two loving families, that would make you a very special princess.  Even though your life didn't go the way that I would have planned - your life has followed a destiny that only God could have known or planned and that makes you a very special gift from God.

Happy Birthday!

Today Quinton celebrates his 7th birthday

He is growing up so fast

He is a soft-spoken, gentle spirited child

He is very wise and likes to be a joke-ster

I am so grateful to call myself your mother and 

I am proud of the wonderful boy you are!

Happy Birthday!

 Today my middle child celebrates her10th birthday

She is a beautiful person full of spunk and life

Watching her change and grow is rewarding as her mother

I am very proud of her and her dedication to living life to the fullest

Happy Birthday to my "princess Shaye Lyn"

Happy Birthday

Today my second oldest daughter celebrates her birthday

She is 14

It is hard to believe she is growing up so fast

I often look at all of my children and wonder where the time has gone

She is full of life, love, and laughter

I am lucky to call myself her mom

It is a blessing to watch her grow into a beautiful young woman

{#35} already...

this is a hard year for me
only five more years to {#40}
I reflect on my life and don't feel
like I have accomplished the things I
wanted to by my {35th} birthday
I have seven wonderful children
who make me smile and drive me crazy
I will graduate in May with a BSW
after taking 29 credits this semester
and completing 500 hours at my internship
I will start my MSW in June and complete it in one year...
no, according to the "worlds standard" I am probably
not where I am expected to be at {#35}
but I look at what I have accomplished
what I have survived
the amount of sacrifices I have made
and how I have overcome
and I realize I need to give myself some credit...
I am {#35} and working diligently to make a
better life for my kids
it has not been easy
but it is worth it...
I will embrace {#35} with a new attitude
and be proud of how far I have come

Eleven months...

there is a void
that I desire to fill

it seems impossible
nothing replaces

this emptiness
it is hard to explain

I have learned to cope
I don't let it show

but this ache
can consume me

this void cannot be filled
I seek happiness

and have joy abounding
I am determined

and work extremely hard
I busy myself too often

it soothes the void
but it doesn't erase

time doesn't provide answers
it allows more time living with the reality

missing you, seeing you, holding you, touching you,
provides solace

but doesn't fill this void

Happy Birthday!

Today, my youngest daughter turns{8}

She is feisty and sweet and everything in between...

It is a joy to watch her transition from a little girl

into a big girl...

She is affectionate towards others on her terms,

but give her a baby and she cannot keep her hands off!

She has made great improvements this year and I am proud

of how hard she works.

Sometimes I question if she is only eight because she

can come up with some of the most bizarre off-the-wall statements...

and I love that about her!

Happy Birthday and I am blessed to celebrate you today!

WOW! Ten months already...

it is really a bittersweet moment
to realize that you get to 
experience your first Christmas 
away from me
you are experiencing all of your firsts 
away from me
but the reality of Christmas and all of {baby's firsts}
remind me of what I am missing
I am missing you
and yes I have class and internship
and kids and life and a job
all to keep me occupied
but something is still missing...
this Christmas is especially hard for me

I made a bargain when I found out that I was pregnant
if you were a boy, that was my sign that I was suppose to place you for adoption
if you were a girl, that was my sign that I was suppose to keep you...
initially all the ultra-sounds indicated you were a boy,
that was my sign
until mid-October, I was completely surprised
you were actually a girl...
I was so busy with working 30+ hours each week, taking 18 credits at school,
and staying sane while raising seven kids
I was going to wait until Christmas break, when I would have some time to think
then I felt like I could process the situation and make the best decision for everyone involved
in reality, there is no good time to make a decision to place your child for adoption
it takes a lot of time and a lot of energy
I do not regret the decision I made
but making the right decision for myself and all of my children
has not been easy
something is missing...

Nine months...

i am constantly remembering exactly how i felt one year ago
i was making some of the toughest decisions in my life
i look back and see the puzzle pieces fit together nicely
this time of year, with holidays, and the memories from one year ago
are difficult
i somehow thought i would be "all better"
when in reality
{what is all better}
and i cannot put a time limit on grief
grief is the underlying emotion i am getting to experience
while existing along side the joy
nine months...how can it already be nine months?
nine months...how can nine months have passed by so quickly?

Happy Birthday!

Today my oldest daughter celebrates"Sweet 16" 
Mackenzie is so grown up
she is an amazing friend and such a good example to everyone around her
she does her best and has a huge heart
I am so proud of her
Today is a day I am experiencing with mixed emotions
I see how my adorable little girl has grown into a remarkable young woman
and it brings me great pride
It also presses against my mothers heart to realize how quickly time is passing
and how much less she needs me and I am needed in her life
All too soon she will be wanting to start a family of her own, but I am at peace
knowing she is a wonderful person and has a bright future ahead of her
As hard as life has been and as difficult of experiences as we have had to endure
she is so strong and is grounded in her faith which guides all of her decisions
and for that I am comforted...Sweet 16, how can it possibly be?

Happy Birthday!

Today my oldest son is 12
It seems so hard to believe...
Time keeps moving faster the older my kids get
Caleb is an amazing young man
He is kind, considerate, friendly, and thoughtful
He is hard working, very talented, an amazing singer
and when he gives life his best, he proves excellence...
I am proud of this young man and all that he accomplishes...
I look forward to many birthdays ahead and celebrating life!

Eight months...

have passed
an in-between stage for me
I am beginning to feel "okay" but the more
"okay" I feel,
the more it seems like I am trying to forget
like I am trying to say "I am okay" with this...
for so many reasons
I will never be completely okay
being okay feels like I am moving on,
or I have somehow forgotten
or I don't care anymore
I cannot completely wrap my brain around the feelings of my heart...
they are disconnected at best
I am so happy for the wonderful adoptive family that raises my daughter
but every time I see her,
I miss her so much and
I see how much I am missing
I see her cling to "her mom" and the bond they share,
I realize there are so many areas of her life I don't even know,
I don't get to put her to bed at night,
I don't experience the sweet coo's and late night feedings,
I don't know what her favorite toys are
or what keeps her entertained during the day,
I miss out on all of her firsts,
pieces of my heart crumble...
that could be me...that should be me...
I don't know if I will ever feel completely okay and
I am okay with that

being strong

in every area of my life

has proven great weakness

my strength has wore me down

and left me depleted

because...

i care so deeply....
i am able to let you go
...i wanted so much more
...i wanted so much better
something about moving past the 6 month mark
is really hard...
the reality that more than 1/2 of the first year of your life has passed
there are so many {moments} i cannot get out of my mind
minute details that present ever so clearly
moments that feel so real, they seem to be happening right now
i try not to dwell on these moments too often
because they will consume me
my life has provided me so much opportunity
to claim my truth
as hard
as difficult
as emotionally challenging
as it is
i am forever grateful that i was
given the opportunity to give life
to a precious child
that has taught me so much
about life and myself

Happy Birthday!

Today my dad celebrated the BIG six-ohh

{60}

my dad is an amazing man of strength and courage

he is a positive role model in my life

I am so blessed to call him my father

and I savor the moments 

my children get to learn from him

this past year has presented my dad with some

unforeseen health challenges

and loss

I am beyond relieved 

that we are on the brighter side

but it sure has made my whole family

realize how quickly life can pass us by

it is so important to remember to let the people we love the most,

know how much they mean to us..

Happy Birthday DAD...you mean the world to me! 

6 months

it seems impossible 

that six months of life have passed

since you were mine

a piece of my heart exists 

outside of my body

i experience loss in ways i have never felt before

i feel grief so intense on my chest

that it sometimes takes my breath away

i spend a lot of time not thinking about anything

because i don't want to think about

losing you

i make ill planned decisions and rash judgements

because i don't want to think

about any one thing for very long

i have encountered 

so many situations 

i push those dearest to me away

trying to feel less of an emptiness in losing you

as a new mom

i should be showing off my newborn

i should be experiencing each of your firsts

i should be soothing you when you cry

and feel the joy in your laughter

i have not figured out how to define my life

living with the loss of you

i want to tell everyone who asks about my children

about all eight of them and brag

all about this new baby i have

how adorable she is

how she is 6 months old now

how she is starting to giggle

and babble sounds 

how she is sitting up

and starting to eat baby food

about how chubby she is getting 

and how deep brown her eyes are

and how dark black her hair is

and how beautiful her skin tone is

AND...

that she doesn't live with me...

and my heart sinks

this isn't the way it should ever have to be

as much as i want to tell the world all about you

i can't

it is too painful,

it is too difficult

and then i feel guilty that i have a beautiful daughter

that i am not able to share with the world

a part of me that i don't claim

it is such a difficult balance of 

joy and pain

sacrifice and reward

happiness and sorrow

fear and understanding

unconditional love

love i will always have for you

redefined through my life

and experiences

that shape me as 

your birth mother

Happy Birthday!

today my oldest brother celebrates his birthday
he is an amazing father and a wonderful person
I wish him many more happy years to come

disappointment

caused by predicaments in life
continue to provide me with
the opportunities to appreciate
where I am in my life

sometimes it is rather difficult
to not get caught up in
the way I think situations/circumstances
should go and just allow
them to work out
the way the were intended to...