Holidays

used to be so much fun
I never dreaded a single one
now they are filled with painful memory
of how it wasn't suppose to be
being strong and persistent for them
while being overwhelmed with the how's and when
holidays are completely what you make them to be
but I have always wanted them to be a happy time shared with family
I will have to redefine what {family} is to me
because this isn't the way I ever imagined it would be

I am amazed

how very alone I feel

surrounded by all these people 

that genuinely care and love for real

at the end of the day 

I am left to deal with life

on my own terms

not being cherished as the wife

the dreams I had of our family

no companion to share my every need

each savored moment I take in alone

putting on a smile and trying to succeed

takes every ounce of energy

consuming all my time and demanding even more

sometimes I question and I wonder

is this worth it and what am I fighting for

I long for

simple touch

a warm embrace

true compassion

dignity and respect

Happy Birthday!

to my baby...
He is #3 today!
He is growing up soo fast,
I don't know where the time goes...

He is loud, vivacious, strong-willed, tough,
obnoxious, tolerant, resilient, adorable, 
sweet and turning into a big boy!

He is definitely living up to the definition of his name:
Keegan - little fiery one,
{and that he is}

He is so much fun to have around,
and makes everyone laugh several times a day.
I am thankful to be his mommy,
and love watching him change and grow!

Happy Birthday buddy!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am {thankful} for...

a loving, forgiving God

7 beautiful children

my health

a place to call home

a car to drive

clothes to wear

a job

an education

life's lessons

loving parents

little kisses

big bear hugs

cuddles

touch

compassion

positive influences

my brothers and sister

supportive friends

my faith

a bed to sleep in at night

laughter

peace

the beauty of nature

the seasons of change...

i have invested

so much of me into all of you

that there seems to be too little of me left

life is a beautiful

story unfolding before my eyes

and I get to savor

every moment

that I am capable of investing 

myself into

I breathe in so much elegance

and exhale so much pain

and still yet I look around and smile

I am so fulfilled and blessed

Why do I

continue to become so invested in others that I forget about myself?
Why am I
making poor choices that could lead to regret?
Why do I 
focus so much energy on others that I am exhausted when I need to focus my energy on what is truly important?
Why am I
feeling so confused, alone, and scared?
Why do I
feel so beaten down and tired?

once again

I am mesmerized 
by 
Your infinite wisdom
Your faithful guidance
Your unending providence
Your unlimited forgiveness
Your never ceasing compassion
Your gentle touch
Your subtle grace

Love is a choice

and I chose to continue to love

until

love was no longer enough

Same schedule

different day

up early

daycare
work
home
spend time with kids

homework 

to bed
the only difference is
each moment I am living today
I can never get back tomorrow
I am trying to make the best of each moment I am given

Craziness

loud

busy

obnoxious

squabbles

bad words

fighting

bickering

demands

needs

quality time

homework

chores

my life...

wouldn't have it any other way!

Happy Birthday!

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday!
I won't say how old she is
because she is younger than me and that means I am getting old.
I wish her a year of happiness, prosperity and health!
She deserves so much good in her life.
I hope she takes the time to reflect on herself...

I say spoil and pamper yourself today!
You deserve it!

...if you can, would you please,

give an extra hug and kiss from me?
it's not a lot to ask
just a little peck and a squeeze
i am not always there now
to pick them up when they fall down
or wipe away each tear,
i wonder how many others
miss someone whom they don't see
and what kind of impression 
each person could be sending
by going out of their way
to give away a little love and affection?

choices

part of every day life
try to teach children to make good ones
some choices end with regret
others express gratefulness
many choices encountered each day
i some times wonder if i am making the right one
other times i feel positive i am
to realize i failed
choices are a part of my every day life
and they impact me immensely

Happy Birthday!

Today is my oldest daughter's birthday!
She is #14
she is growing up to be a beautiful young lady...
she has so many gifts and talents...
she has blest my life more than I could have possibly imagined
and she humbles me daily...
she has accepted extra responsibility and rarely complains about it...

I am grateful she was placed in my life
and I enjoy watching her mature and grow.